Friday, September 28, 2007
When first faced with a financial burden like college, many students and parents begin to feel overwhelmed. They look at the bill, take a deep breath and then begin banging their head repeatedly on the wall. After all, now the family will have to live in a shack, kick out the family dog and at least one sibling will be sold for child slave labor in a Nike factory. But fear not, for at the University of Kansas you definitely get more bang for your buck (or in our case, more beak for your buck) than you can ever imagine.
That’s right, boys and girls. In college, your tuition pays for more than just classes, student fees and powerful chemicals to fight off horrible odors in the dorm bathrooms; it pays for a college experience that will have you learning inside and outside the classroom. Some of the most valuable life skills won’t be listed on your class syllabus (syllabus: a fancy word for Master Plan of Academic Crap meant to overwhelm you on your first day with a list of lots of projects and lessons that probably won’t stay on schedule anyway. See, that’s Life lesson #1: Don’t get intimidated by fancy schedules; they’re just for show (like Beware of Dog signs).
Life lesson #2: There’s no motivation without procrastination. For example, I was wondering, “How can I work up the incentive to write three long-term papers I’ve known about all semester?” Answer: I waited until I had three weeks left of class. Also, I didn’t sleep.
Life lesson #3: You can get a lot out of horrible classes besides bad grades and headaches. I’ve met a lot of my friends and co-workers in some of my least favorite classes. It’s a great way to bond with someone by having something you both hate in common. Complaining with your fellow classmates is often the best survival skill you can use in a bad class. And that class will end eventually; nothing lasts forever. Except your GPA.
Life lesson #4: Everything important will happen on the same day. All your papers will be due on the same day, that big test that’s approximately 110% of your grade will be that day and also your favorite band will be in Kansas City the night before that big day. Irony is more powerful than gravity sometimes. Therefore, it’s important to plan ahead, study in advance and find a way to clone yourself. Also, be extra lazy on the days when nothing happens (and don’t complain about it or irony will come to bite you in the tushy with sharp, pointy assignments).
Life lesson #5: Parking and enrollment are competitive sports. Get fitted for padding and a helmet now.
Life lesson #6: There’s no point in trying to explain to people what “Rock Chalk Jayhawk” means. Yes, there’s some history behind it, but really, it’s kind of sketchy sounding to me. Basically “Rock Chalk Jayhawk” means, “Hey! Our team is better than yours, and we can rhyme too!”
Life lesson #7: If you later become rich and are asked by the University’s alumni association to donate money, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate your money for useful things. Make a note now of all the things at campus that bother you. For example, when I’m rich and famous I will donate a 20-storey parking garage, a couple of ski lifts and then a gold statue of myself (to help “beautify campus”, of course).
Life Lesson #8: The youngest sibling is usually worth the most on the black market.
Hartz is a Stilwell junior in creative writing.
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