Guy: Okay, I love KU basketball, but how many times can people discuss one shot? I mean, it was like, 2.3 seconds.
Girl: Hey, that’s 1.3 seconds longer than you last in bed.

Girl: My professor repeatedly pronounced “cliques” as “cleeques” today. It was uncomfortable.

Girl: I’m a middle child.
Professor: Oh, so you’re the screwed up child in the family.
Girl: Yeah, but I think I’m moving up in rank because my younger sister’s pregnant, and a few days ago my older sister told my parents she was pregnant and I’m going to graduate in a month and I think I’m doing okay.

Girl 1: Sex makes me uncomfortable. I’m going to become a nun.
Girl 2: Well, the Pope is here. Hit him up.

Guy 1: What’s in egg salad?
Guy 2: Um, eggs…I guess.

Guy 1: The black Power Ranger was black. Isn’t that racist?
Guy 2: You do realize that those were all just Asian people in tights?
Guy 1: Ah, so that explains why their boobs shrank.

Guy 1: We need to call in a bomb threat to his work so he’ll come play golf with us.
Guy 2: He works at a bank.
Guy 1: We’ll just call there and be like, “Hey, there’s a bomb in your bank.”

Guy 1: I can’t believe we won! This is awesome! I’m going to buy all the stuff I can to remember this. I’ll buy DVDs and T-shirts until I go broke.
Guy 2: You are broke.
Guy 1: Well, goddamn it.

Professor: There’s money in prostitution, I’ll tell you that.

Guy 1: When I went to Chicago, I went to see the Blue Man Group, and they were doing this weird thing with Twinkies, and…
Guy 2: You should start out all your stories like that. Doing weird things with Twinkies.