Girl: So, I walked into his bathroom and there were so many boxes of Cottonelle Wipes. Like, who the hell wipes their tush with that shit?

Guy: My friend still calls his girlfriend “Adam’s rib.” She actually just dumped him.

Guy: I once saw Michael Phelps jump out of a helicopter into a pool of Jell-O. He ate his way out—after swimming 45 laps, of course—then killed an entire clan of Samurai with just his big toe.

Girl 1: I hear Robinson has a really nice sauna.

Girl 2: No shit? I heard they have a Jacuzzi, too.

Guy: Naismith is the reason I joined the army.

Guy 1: I have 4 percent body fat.

Guy 2: Really? I have no idea what mine is. It’s at least 23.

Guy: (to girl) Hey, what’s your name? Don’t even try to be mean-slash-rude-slash-cool.

Girl: (to friend) I wonder if I have any missed calls. Doubt it.

Girl: Does anyone have a brush? My bangs are like, retarded.

Girl 1: Have you taken Math 101?

Girl 2: Not yet.

Girl 1: Take it online. I cheated my ass off.

Girl 1: First football game this weekend!

Girl 2: Shablam-a-blam!

Guy: (pointing at guy wearing skinny jeans) That guy’s balls are never going to drop.