Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Edwin Starr famously proclaimed some 38 years ago that war was good for “absolutely nothing”.
With all due respect to Mr. Starr and his hit song, that’s not quite correct. War — the Border War, at least — can yield positive results. In fact, it does just that, every time Kansas beats Missouri. That includes Saturday’s epic triumph. Unfortunately, most of the good to be derived from this latest victory is immaterial. Sure, beating your arch-rival is always great, but Kansas likely won’t go to any better a bowl game than it would have had it lost. And even in defeat, Missouri can take solace in the fact that it still won the Big 12 North (Have fun with Oklahoma, by the way).
No, Missouri is getting off way too easy here. The Tigers lost the war this time around, so concessions have to be made. That’s why there ought to be a Versaille-esque treaty, to punish Missouri for its transgressions against Kansas and the greater Big 12 alliance.
With that in mind, I propose the following articles be enacted at the next Big 12 league meeting. Fixing that whole BCS tiebreaker thing can wait.
Article One: Missouri must immediately dismiss head basketball coach Mike Anderson and re-hire Quin Snyder. Anderson seems a reasonable and decent person, thus he should have no involvement with Mizzou. Snyder, however, was a perfect mix of comical insanity and chronic underachievement. Perfect for Missouri.
Article Two: Missouri shall no longer be known as the Tigers. The mascot is far too generic and has no root in Missouri’s identity. Let’s fix that. From now on, Missouri will be represented by their new mascot, Randy the Roadside Porno Shop. Has a nice ring to it, huh?
Article Three: Missouri football shall play every game in the alternate uniforms used Saturday. Teams seem to play worse in their alternate unis. And it seems appropriate that Missouri football would be represented by a strangely bodily fluid-like shade of yellow.
Article Four: Missouri’s famous student group, The Antlers, shall never again wear dresses to Kansas-Missouri basketball games. Possible exceptions will be made if said students agree to wear a manzier.
Article Five: Missouri basketball fans must admit that, in light of Kansas winning the national championship last season, they can no longer pretend the Jayhawks are chokers. Furthermore, they must reassign that label to their own program and build a statue of Tyus Edny in the middle of campus.
Article Six: Chase Daniel must finally admit to eating boogers. There is video documentation of this fact, so denial is not a plausible option.
Article Seven: It’s not Missour-uh. It’s Missouri.
Article Eight: Missouri fans must finally admit that William Quantrill was a bad guy. It seems this should go without saying, but this is Missouri we’re talking about.
Article Nine: Missouri fans must finally admit that they wish they were Jayhawk fans, but that they simply aren’t good enough to make the cut.
Article Ten: The University of Kansas reserves the right to unilaterally enforce and create other articles on an arbitrary whim. Rock Chalk.
— — Edited by Mary Sorrick
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Comments
Beecher: To the victor should go the spoils
As much as I don't want to defend Mizzou, I think just for the sake of historical accuracy I'm going to have to. In Article Two of your treaty, you mentioned Mizzou should change its mascot because the Tiger is generic and of no significance to Missouri. I agree that the Tiger is very generic, but it actually does have historical significance to Missouri in the same way the Jayhawk does to us here at the University of Kansas. The Missouri Tigers was originally the nickname given to a local militia during the Civil War, and the University adopted the mascot from them. The Missouri Tigers have just as much historical significance as the Kansas Jayhawks do, and I'm sure any history major would be happy to back me up.
Beecher: To the victor should go the spoils
Yeah... and truth be told, I kinda new that on some level. Not really my best work. I just wanted to write a column were I could work in a manzier reference, as well as make a porno shop joke.
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