Saying “I love you” for the first time is a scene so often played out in movies that it makes it hard for the general public to compete. It’s a big step in any relationship, and the pressure those three little words can bring is daunting.

Before you think about saying “I love you,” certain things must be true about your relationship. Laurie Puhn, relationship coach and author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life, says you should be in an exclusive relationship that has somehow been made public. In other words, you’re together and not hiding it. Here’s a guide to help you know if you’re really ready to make the “L”-word leap.

Do I say it first?

There are a lot of stereotypes about who should be the first to say “I love you.” Traditionally, many people see the man as the one responsible for saying it first. However, others think the more outgoing person in the relationship should be first. Scott Bowman, Iola senior, considered himself to be that person in his relationship with Elizabeth Kretzmeier, Iola junior. The two were best friends during high school but hadn’t dated each other. Right before Bowman was about to leave for college, he realized his feelings for Kretzmeier involved more than just friendship.

“I realized I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it,” Bowman says. He knew Kretzmeier felt the same way about him, so Bowman told her he loved her. “Whoever is ready to say it should just say it,” he says. “I happened to be the more open one and she was the more shy one.” Kretzmeier agrees, saying she considers herself to be more old-fashioned, and so she waited for the guy to make the first move.

Puhn says the stereotypes regarding who should say it first are all wrong. According to Puhn, a person who is ready to say “I love you” is the more expressive one in the relationship and has prepared themselves for any response they may get, whether it be an elated “I love you, too,” or an awkward silence.

When am I supposed

to say it?

Perhaps the most important issue concerning those three little words is knowing when it’s time to say them. Every relationship is different, so how long one couple has been together before saying “I love you” should have no bearing on when you say it.

The general rule of thumb is to wait at least one month before professing your love for your better half. Dating and relationship coach Donna Barnes says waiting one month can allow you to get to know that person better. When you say “I love you” for the first time, it’s important that you genuinely care about that person’s well-being and happiness. Typically, it’s hard to know them well enough in less than a month to have such a deep emotional investment. Suggesting people should wait longer, Matt Titus, relationship coach and co-author of Why Hasn’t He Called?, says the best time frame for saying “I love you” is within six to nine months of dating so that true selves can be revealed.

An exception to this rule is if you have already known the person before you began dating him or her. This was the situation for Sara Kiszka, Leavenworth junior. Before they were an official couple, Kiszka and her boyfriend were friends. She says they had been talking about saying “I love you” for a while, but she was afraid to say it. When her boyfriend told her one month into their romantic relationship that he loved her, she knew it was the right time.

“I just had a feeling,” Kiszka says. “When he looked at me or touched me, I’d get butterflies. Even just thinking about it now, I’m smiling.” Kiszka recommends that anyone considering saying “I love you” makes sure the feelings behind the phrase are absolutely certain before saying it. “It has to be something you can’t regret,” she says.

They didn’t say it back

At first, Erin Garity, Lansing senior, pretended not to hear her boyfriend when he would say “I love you” under his breath. Even though Garity admits she could hear him perfectly fine, she simply responded with, “What?” Garity says she needed time to digest the news and to gauge her own feelings. Two weeks later, Garity went to her boyfriend’s apartment and eventually said the words. “I realized that saying ‘I love you’ is the best way to mean it,” Garity says.

Saying “I love you” and not hearing it back is like that awful dream when you’re naked in front of the whole school: you’re vulnerable, exposed, and the embarrassment makes you want to crawl in bed with a bucket of ice cream. Although it seems impossible, you can recover gracefully from saying “I love you” before your partner is ready to hear it. Acknowledging the situation may not only ease the awkward tension, but it may also save the relationship.

“The worst thing you could do is have that silence,” Titus says. “The best thing to do is say, ‘I said that because I felt like I was ready to say it. Whatever you feel for me or want to say about how you feel is totally cool.’ Even though it’s an emotionally vulnerable situation, you have to be fearless.”

I’m still not sure

Okay, so there may not be a black and white guideline for when to drop the “L” bomb on your partner, but the experts do agree on one thing: Trust your instincts. “It’s up to your own personality and what you’re comfortable with in terms of being vulnerable and putting yourself on the line,” Puhn says.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to make the final call depending on the unique circumstances of your relationship—but there is some help out there. Titus is launching a Web site that offers personalized relationship advice. Students can submit their relationship questions at www.whyhasnthe.com, and will receive a video response within 24 hours. You can also sign up to receive e-mail newsletters from Puhn, which include relationship advice and quizzes.