Wescoe wit

By Sean Rosner

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Girl: What should I get him for Christmas?

Guy: (pause) How about The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories?

Girl: I was at the rec last week, and there was an old guy lying on a mat. I was like, ‘Bumblebee tuna, your balls are showing.’

Guy 1: Everyone else thought she was unattractive, but I adored her.

Guy 2: Was it the mole?

Guy 1: She never wore a bra.

Guy 1: We don’t know how to tell him he can’t come to the party.

Guy 2: You could take off your belt and beat him with it.

Girl 1: This is how you do girl talk: You have to learn to lie and exaggerate.

Guy: I think I can do that.

Girl 2: Now you can start by giving us each a compliment.

Girl: It smells really good in here.

Guy: That’s just my natural scent.

Girl: You normally smell like brownies?

Guy: Yeah. In high school, they called me Duncan Hines.

Guy: (on phone) It’s almost finals week. (pause) I know! Almost peanut-butter-jelly time!

Girl 1: Does Chipotle deliver?

Girl 2: If Chipotle delivered, I’d have it on speed-dial and I’d weigh 400 pounds.

Guy: (on phone) You’re tired? I worked the night shift, ate 5 pounds of Taco Bell and went home to a horny girlfriend. Don’t pull the ‘I’m tired’ excuse with me.

Girl: I just went up to my TA and said, ‘I’ll be honest. I went out and drank when I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t get it done.'

Guy: How did that work out?

Girl: He gave me an F.

Girl 1: What internship are you applying for?

Girl 2: That one to be on Rock of Love Charm School.

Girl 1: How do you spell ‘queef’?

Girl 2: With a ‘k,’ I think.

Girl 3: You know, you could get around that entirely and just call it ‘vaginal flatulence.’

Guy: I’m so glad our legal system allows the phrase ‘dry humping’ in a court of law.

Guy 1: (getting ready to eat sushi) I’m pretty sure I’ll hate this, but I’ll give it the college try.

Guy 2: That’s what you said about Grey’s Anatomy. Now you can’t get enough.

Guy 1: Please don’t mention that in public.

Girl 1: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony have so many great songs. Like that one about paying rent.

Girl 2: Um, I don’t think I know that one.

Girl 1: If you don’t know that song, you’ve never been to a skating rink before. And you should be shot in the face.

Girl: Do you think he’s conservative?

Guy: Well, he wears cowboy boots. He looks like he voted for Bush twice.

Girl: (on phone) You went all the way to Florida to shop at Wal-Mart?

Guy: I was drunk at E’s. Twice.

Guy: Wow! Those are some great boots. You look like you could go cow tipping and then go be in a fashion show.

Girl: Thanks. I just use them as my ‘bed me’ boots.

Guy: What did you put in this soup?

Girl: The secret ingredient is organic love-age.

Guy: (pauses mid-bite)

Guy 1: Remember that time we ate lasagna out of wine glasses?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: I haven’t eaten off a plate since.

Girl 1: I had a dream the other night that you and I were fighting over Haley Joel Osment.

Girl 2: I hope our hate for each other never becomes that pathetic.

Guy: Do you think Hoboken is where they developed the hobo-chicken hybrid?

Guy 1: I love that there are actually gas stations called ‘Kum and Go.’

Guy 2: In my hometown, we have gas stations called ‘Pump and Munch.’

Comments

Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.

Advertisement