Thursday, February 14, 2008
Dear Free For All,
There’s no gentle way to say this, so I’ll be blunt.
It’s over.
I’m breaking up with you. Things between us have run their course, but I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.
It’s not me. It’s you.
I know that you’ve treated me well during the past few years. You’ve always been there for me.
Ever since my first days on campus when I was still making new friends and I was a little lonely, you helped cheer me up.
I got to know you, and I liked you. You made me laugh and you made me think.
Eventually we started seeing each other every day, sometimes in between classes. Sometimes we would start the morning together.
Then you gave me your phone number. That was a huge step for us, but it was exciting too. I felt like we were developing a real bond.
Then one afternoon when I was bored, I called to tell you that Mizzou sucks. That’s when you let me inside of you. It felt really good.
nutgraf
Maybe we didn’t expect it so soon, but you’ve changed. You spend all your time online and don’t take my phone calls. You don’t make time for us. I don’t want to hear your empty promises about answering your voicemails again. It’s too late to beg.
I was giddy.
I bragged to my friends about what happened, but they said it was no big deal. They said they had been in you three times already.
Even though I was mad and didn’t call you for a week, you were there and listened to me when I forgave you. That’s when I knew we had something different than what either of us had had before.
No matter what happened, we would be there for each other.
You challenged me, too. Even when we disagreed, we could still get along. That only made us stronger.
Remember how we used to argue about whether or not David Padgett sucked? You said he was holding the basketball team back, and I said he was only a freshman and would develop.
And not to brag, but look who’s the team captain at Louisville now. I guess you just aren’t a good judge of talent.
But we both knew this would happen eventually.
Maybe we didn’t expect it so soon, but you’ve changed. You spend all your time online and don’t take my phone calls. You don’t make time for us. I don’t want to hear your empty promises about answering your voicemails again. It’s too late to beg.
Ever since you joined Facebook, you seem more distant. I know we were never exclusive.
I don’t care that you see other people, but hooking up with people over the Internet and letting them submit everything to you?
That’s downright skanky.
Sometimes when we meet up now, you don’t even make sense. It’s like you’re talking backwards or something.
And last week you misspelled Lew Perkins’ name four times in one day.
Are you just cutting and pasting? That’s serious stuff. You could get addicted.
I don’t think you even use spell check anymore. That’s just lazy and unsafe. You have to use protection.
Let’s just make a clean break now, and go our separate ways. I’ll cherish the good memories.
Like when we exchanged Chuck Norris jokes all the time. You used to love Chuck Norris.
Maybe that should have been a clue that you were wishy-washy. You’d always talk about one thing for a week and then act like it was the lamest thing ever.
I know this comes as a blow on Valentine’s Day, but I just can’t take it any more.
You annoy the crap out of me.
You just aren’t funny anymore.
I think it’s best if we don’t see each other again.
I’d really appreciate it if you could stop hanging around my column.
Yours truly,
Dennis
Mersmann is a Lawrence senior in creative writing.
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Comments
Mersmann: We’re through, Free for All
funny column!
Mersmann: We’re through, Free for All
Plus, Free For All is often backwards, with older comments further down the page, so many comments don't make sense when first read. And comments were funnier when they weren't just online responses to online comments. Typical Free For All now reads like this: "No, you're the idiot." "Anyone who doesn't like beer is an idiot." "I don't like beer."
Mersmann: We’re through, Free for All
good work dennis, funny stuff.
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