Monday, February 25, 2008
There was once a time that I could’ve been a model. You see my girlfriend saw an ad on a bulletin board for a modeling agency looking for male models, because when looking for models, the beeriest town in the dullest state in the union is most definitely the place to look. Bob Dole, Don Johnson: sex icons!
She took this ad from the board for three reasons in my estimation: because it was ridiculous, because she knows I am a narcissist and because the first two reasons are frequently hilarious when combined.
I called the number. Later a man came to ogle me with his eyes. We talked about my future and his bus company, and he left.
I never heard from this maliciously moussed purveyor of false dreams again.
That man in his cargo shorts walked out my door with all of my future contracts with Hugo Boss, and Osh Kosh, and Jordache, stripping the walls of what would have been innumerable blocks of my black and white shirtless body, staring carelessly into the eyes of multitudes of swooning women.
His polarized sunglasses atop his head said no to every film director that was dead set on being the one to bring my internationally recognizable face to Hollywood, where we would pioneer new ways to capitalize on the success of the Die Hard quadrilogy, but with, you know, a creative twist.
The pair of flip-flops he wore, bought to look frayed and old, crushed beneath them the screams of adoration not yet yielded by the hoards of fans lined up outside of their local Tower Records store to purchase my No. 1-charting sophomore prog-rock album, Historionica, featuring collaborations with Geddy Lee, David Lee Roth, and Neil Young, featuring such singles as “Um, Try Again Please” and “Grappling Hook.”
I could have been the second coming of Markie Mark. I could have bathed in the blood of children in order to preserve the youthful glow of my skin, and gotten away with it. I could have taken the world by storm... literally.
But he left, and I didn’t hear from him.
And that’s how I learned to never trust anyone.
On the other hand, though, that part of my life did help me to find a Nintendo Wii and years before I would have converted to Scientology.
White is a River City, Iowa, sophomore in journalism and Japanese.
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