Have you heard? The Kansas State Wildcats are now in the guaranteeing business. Over the course of the offseason, Michael Beasley and Bill Walker, both probably spending the last months of their lives in Manhappenin’, both predicted a season sweep of the Jayhawks.

Of course you’ve heard. These preposterous guarantees are as much a fabric of professional and collegiate athletics as game balls and referees. Additionally, they garner as much attention as Dick Vitale with a megaphone.

Walker said at the Big 12 Media Day: “I’ll predict it. I’m not scared to say it. I’m a man. I can live up to my words. I’m saying we’ll beat ’em. Both places (Lawrence and Manhattan).”

Beasley upped the ante, taking his guarantee across continental boundaries: “We’re gonna beat KU at home. We’re gonna beat ’em at their house. We’re gonna beat ’em in Africa. Wherever we play we’re gonna beat ’em,”

Silly Wildcats. My guess is these prognostications go as well as Steelers safety Anthony Smith’s guarantee that his team would beat the Patriots (who still haven’t lost this season), Jon Kitna’s guarantee that the Lions would win more than 10 games this year (they finished the season on a 1-7 swoon and were victorious seven times total) or the old George Bush’s guarantee that there would be no new taxes (let’s just move on).

In the tradition of hyperbolic, obnoxious guarantees, I have a few of my own: every game these two teams play this year will be in the continental United States, the Hawks will not lose two games to the Cats this year and both Walker and Beasley will feel privately foolish for prodding a beast that wasn’t sleeping—Kansas, after all, is undefeated and ranked second in the nation.

Look, I’m not saying the Wildcats can’t beat the Jayhawks tonight. If the two prognosticators fill the hoop as well as they flap their gums, K-State will have a chance. I’m saying it probably would have behooved the pair to take a history lesson. The Wildcats haven’t beaten the Jayhawks on their home floor since 1983. A loss tonight would be their 25th consecutive in Manhattan. There isn’t one player on either roster that was alive the last time the Purple successfully defended their home court against the Crimson and Blue.

It’s been the same 25 years since the Wildcats defeated the Jayhawks twice in the same season, although the 1982-83 Kansas squad stunk (I think. I wasn’t alive then, either). Ted Owens “led” that team to a 13-16 record and was promptly fired. The rest of the Big 8 had fun at the Jayhawks’ expense that year, as well—Kansas was 4-10 in-conference.

This year’s Kansas team does not have a similar deficiency in talent, to say the least. They needed extra motivation in the same way that Ron Prince needs another bowl-less season.

I especially enjoyed the Jayhawks’ reaction to the guarantees. Brandon Rush said they were just as stupid as Bob Huggins’ proclamation that KSU would beat KU last year in Manhattan (the Jayhawks won 71-62). Darnell Jackson said Beasley would be in Africa by himself and Bill Self said it would be difficult to travel there. Darrell Arthur not so subtly said Kevin Durant was better than Beasley. The Jayhawks are the older brother who holds his younger siblings head as he flails away unsuccessfully.

Frank Martin also offered an amusing take. After being apprised of his star player’s proclamations, Martin empahatically said he had no problem with them. Really, Frank? You lead a team whose success on its homecourt over the last quarter century against its most bitter rival has been worse than George W’s approval rating from democrats. Now you are being led into battle against the 20-0 Jayhawks by the Kings of Unintentional Comedy. It doesn’t concern you just a bit? Really?

Look, I get it. Everyone wants to be Joe Namath and correctly predict that his or her team “shocks the world.” I also know that the collected inferiority complex of the basketball program one hour west will cause people to say crazy things to garner a piece of the national attention that comes naturally to a successful program.

Couple that with the fact that both Walker and Beasley, a pair who bought a false bill of goods from Bob Huggins, have one foot out the door to the NBA already, and I probably could have correctly guaranteed that these guarantees would be made. If they lose tonight, it’s likely that neither player will be around to see the streak continue into the future. It won’t even be a Little Apple in their eyes.

— Edited by Jared Duncan