Mersmann: I think not

Thursday, January 31, 2008

It’s now second semester and time to trade in your gen-ed requirement No. 1 for gen-ed requirement No. 2.

For those of you enrolled in Western Civ, this means a crash course in philosophy. Boring, boring philosophy. You’ll read Nietzsche, John Locke (yes, the bald guy from “Lost.”) and Rene Descartes.

These three, along with most of the dead white men who fill our syllabi, somehow got the funding to sit around and do whatever they wanted.

The ones we read in Western Civ II chose to ponder the meaning and essence of being.

In these readings, you will find theories and ideas that you never knew were worth thinking about. These readings are not meant to consume your thoughts. They are supposed to form your opinions about what actually matters.

The problem with these readings is that they have some very quotable parts.

You probably already know that Nietzsche said, “God is dead,” and Descartes said, “I think therefore I am.” Locke said nothing that quotable, but he loved the idea of property and spontaneously recovered from paralysis.

nutgraf

Before they can respond, just tell them that you didn’t really hit them. It’s only an illusion, and they simply perceive pain.

Fortunately, most people leave these quotations where they found them.

But, of course, some don’t. Someday, you will find yourself in class with someone who has saved up a Western Civ II gem to blow everyone’s mind.

If someone says “I think therefore I am,” they are either a hippie who likes to get high and think about stuff or a philosophy major who grew up in a neighborhood without other kids to play with and resorted to books.

This person might continue talking about “the illusion of reality,” even using the phrase verbatim.

This can happen anywhere. It happened in my American Literature II class.

Do not let them get away with this. Walk over to the person and slap them with an open palm.

Before they can respond, just tell them that you didn’t really hit them. It’s only an illusion, and they simply perceive pain.

If you can’t bring yourself to physically abuse your peers just to prove a point, do what I do.

Silently judge them and passive-aggressively complain about them to your friends (or to an entire campus, depending on the circulation of your whining).

“I think therefore I am” was not Descartes’ point — it was his proof. He argued that the only certainty a person has is that he exists. Everything else is possibly an illusion.

If you quote Descartes, then good, you remembered one sentence.

I can’t give you the context of “God is dead” because I skipped that book. I got a B. Life goes on.

People who repeat one memorized sentence need to be treated like the lazy know-nothings that they are. These people try to appear smart without actually formulating their own thoughts.

Quoting other philosophers doesn’t prove anything or add to a discussion.

Who cares what Descartes and Nietzsche said. What do you say? Add that to the class discussion. Use the readings as a jumping off point to explore your own ideas.

If your teacher isn’t receptive to this, do it anyway. You’re paying to take the class, and they are your employee.

But at least think before you speak.

Mersmann is a Lawrence senior in creative writing.

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