Senior Night at Allen Fieldhouse: The pageantry. The tradition. The emotion. The theatrics. The overblown sentimentality.

I used to think I hated sitting through the presentation and speeches after the game on Senior Night. And then I became a senior. This allowed me to gain new appreciation and insights into the process, enough so that I wanted to give my own speech.

If I had, this is how it would have gone down:

Max Falkenstien at center court of Allen Fieldhouse: “And now we have a fella that came to Kansas from up north. He knew nothing of KU athletic tradition when he came from Minnesota, but he was eager to learn. He chose this school solely because of the basketball program. He wanted to be a Jayhawk. And while his patience has been tested, his faith in the excellence of this institution and its athletics has never wavered. Ladies and gentleman, Thor Nystrom!”

(Standing ovation — I give Max a half-hand shake, half-man hug)

Thor Nystrom: “Thank you, Max. Wow, it has been a great five years. There are so many people I want to thank.

“First, the fans. You guys are great. Like Max said, when I first came here, I didn’t know squat about being a true Jayhawk fan. Your passion and dedication made me want to be the fan I am today.

(Standing ovation)

“I chose this school because I wanted to follow a premier college basketball team while getting a good education. In that order. But after I committed, the crap hit the fan. We lost the national championship and Roy Williams bolted.

The freshman class Williams left for Bill Self had David Padgett, Omar Wilkes and J.R. Giddens. I met all three at various points. Padgett’s sense of superiority and feeling of entitlement struck me immediately and I was happy when he took it where it belonged, to Louisville.

(Applause)

“Wilkes and Giddens were both great guys. I was sad when Wilkes got homesick and wanted more playing time and left for California. I was sadder when Giddens was involved in a bar fight and was forced to leave. I remember bumping into and talking to the nicest guy in front of my dorm a couple of months after I moved here. Turns out it was Giddens, down to earth as I could imagine any elite athlete to be, and he was the same in future occurrences with me. I wondered what turned him into the person who snapped and whom people hated.

“And then there was the losing. No, not losing like other programs. I soon found out that with Kansas fans’ passion came expectations. We are as fanatical as anyone in the country but we don’t like finishing second. That’s why certain losses sent us into emotional tailspins and crippled the psyches of our fan base for weeks. You know what I refer to: Bucknell. Bradley.

“I’m sure everyone in this arena can recall with remarkable clarity where you watched those games and the measures you took those nights to ease your pain after our team lost. For myself, I don’t like dwelling on those times.

“But then there were better times. Bill brought in likeable players who competed hard on the court and didn’t brood or stab people off it. Guys like Julian Wright, Mario Chalmers, Darnell Jackson, Sherron Collins and Sasha Kaun made me proud to be a student at this University.

(Applause as I blink back tears)

“Man, I promised my parents I wasn’t going to cry. So let’s switch gears really quick. I want to thank a pair of gentlemen who made my life as a fan of Kansas so much more fun — Quin Snyder and Frank Martin.

“What can I say, gentlemen? Quin, it was always fun competing against your teams. I loved how you recruited players of questionable character and heart and trusted in your ability to get the most out of them. I loved knowing that they would eventually implode both on and off the court. I loved looking at you on the sidelines. Your detached yet deranged sideline demeanor often led me to believe you were only seconds from either walking off the court to take a nap or from snapping and clothes-lining an opposing player. The day you were fired was a grave disappointment for me and the fans of this institution. You have been missed.

(Crowd nodding in approval while clapping)

“And Frank, I am happy to say, has admirably tried to take over for you as conductor of the unintentional comedy train. As the guy stomps and screams and gets red in the face, it leads one to believe that nobody would be surprised if he just flat-out punched a referee. I like that in an opposing coach. He also looks to me like a cast member of “Men in Black,” and I always half expect his heart to give out after a tirade only to have his face open up and a small alien to be sitting at the controls inside his head. Seriously, no one has ever given validity to the realism of that script like Frank. I think I speak for Jayhawk Nation when I say we are happy you were given that job just to keep Michael Beasley and Bill Walker from jumping ship after Bobby Huggins did the same. Best of luck after they leave for the NBA!

(Applause)

“And I want to wrap it up because I know this is getting long. To the current Jayhawks: we believe in you. We’ve seen you struggle to gain an identity. We’ve seen you lose in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. We have seen you come together and become an elite team. We believe you to be the best team in college basketball. Play to your potential this month and the first week of April and bring a championship back to Lawrence. I believe you will.

“Good night, Lawrence! Stay classy!

(I drop the microphone and walk off the court to a standing ovation)