Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A couple weeks back, the military launched a missile into space to destroy an aging weather satellite. While many world leaders viewed this aggressive decision as a military statement to China, hence flexing our muscles (via missile) and exploring our military capabilities (by exploding), I saw what was really going on here. The whole scheme is an elaborate tune-up.
A tune-up for America’s eventual mission — blowing up the moon.
I’ve thought about the concept of moon destruction before, and frankly, I’m all for it. Heck, my audition column to get a position on the Kansan was about this very topic. The only reason you haven’t seen it is because the idea was stifled by my viewing of an old “Mr. Show” clip where they farcically advocated blowing up the moon.
Naturally, I sued the producers for traveling through time and stealing my idea. The case never gained much leverage. But given recent current events, my opinions have been resurrected.
Good reasons exist to nuke the moon, and most of them will bring mirth to adults and students alike.
Why nuke the moon? We don’t need it. Simply put, it’s man’s ultimate menace. Constantly looming, haranguing our attempts at greatness, providing scant reflective light but not enough to save us money on light bulbs, the moon needs to go.
We already blew a weather satellite out of the sky, and isn’t the moon just Earth’s most elderly satellite, devoid of any real function?
Sure, the entire country trembled at the edges of their LA-Z-BOYS when Neil Armstrong first strutted across the moon’s dusty surface. Subsequent trips were also revelatory, specifically about the nature of the moon and its terrain.
However, we got bored with it. Once, astronauts even brought golf clubs and a moon cart up there and worked on their short game.
The moon—the galaxy’s easiest hole-in-one!
If obliterating the moon isn’t exciting enough, we could easily enhance the whole project with America’s most across-the-board passion — fireworks.
If my assumptions are correct, and they usually are, considering my mind works through only the most logical and efficient processes, it would be easy to embark on several prerequisite trips to fill the moon’s craters up with Black Cats, Smoke Bombs and those annoying tanks that look like they’ll do something cool, really, but will just flame out in about two seconds. That would make an already awesome explosion extra astounding.
Now, I know the conservatives out there are going to raise a big hullabaloo about my proposal. But I can defend this idea on an economic basis as well. I am an economics major. Yeah, that’s right. I’m legit.
In my economics coursework, we have often discussed the concept of a positive externality, or a benefit received from a good, product, or service that is not reflected in the price of the good. Since everyone around the globe would see the destruction of the moon for free, nuking the moon symbolizes the epitome of a positive externality.
So when would I propose to do this?
July 4, the greatest day in American (and therefore world) history. You saw “Independence Day,” right? Now you’re with me.
The moon has always been inferior to the sun, the New York Mets of the cosmos. Let’s give it one last hurrah, a way of celebrating how many times it has ruined our depth perception, brought in hordes of jellyfish to beaches during vacation and watched us taking a shower (the moon is the universe’s most notorious peeping Tom).
We’ll figure something out to replace its minimal presence in our lives, possibly a new washing machine, a new throw rug or maybe just a candle.
Candles smell better anyway.
Goble is a Mission Hills senior in English and Economics.
Poole: Don't be afraid of the next ...
Davidson: Education Cuts Reflect A Culture of ...
During a recession, tax revenues are still needed for education.
Students get zero-gravity opportunity
The space program accepts more students from KU than ever for its ...
Lunar eclipse visible tonight
The celestial event coincides with the winter solstice, the shortest day of ...
Durbin: There’s not much reality in reality ...
Television is a bastion of filth, greed and misinformation.
Mobile NASA exhibit stops at KU
Exhibit features one of seven moon rocks worldwide that can be touched ...
Nichols: Twittering stars take fun out of ...
Fake celebrities permeate the social media site.
Review: “Moon”
Sam Rockwell is an astronaut about to reunite with his family after ...
Gress: North Korea has more bark than ...
With new regimes in North Korea comes new foreign policies. Although North ...
Lowell: Sustainability blown in with the wind
Kansas should capitalize on its wind resources for clean, cheap, renewable energy.
Wiccan, not wicked
These witches don't ride on broomsticks or conjure potions
Thompson: Gay rights deserve more attention
Gay rights a pressing issue that the president should hear.
Good for You, Bad for You: Aromatherapy ...
Sometimes it's hard to tell.
International Law Society discusses world politics
Several KU professors think the United States and its next president will ...
Students gather for harvest celebration
East Asian festival recognized with barbecue, moon-viewing party.
Goble: Every dog has its day, even ...
This particular story symbolized a defiant victory for the average American, a ...
Eye witnesses share 9/11 experiences
Victims and heroes of Sept. 11 attacks honored on campus.
Hafner: A not-so-Christian nation
Separation of church and state hasn't always been so separate throughout history.
Do this: Ceramics
Just do it.
Ho: Is the concept of marriage distorted?
The lax perspective of many Americans toward marriage contributes to high divorce ...
Miyakawa: More than 'study' abroad
Students miss opportunities by avoiding interaction with locals.
Business school brings new dean to turn ...
A year after the business school was reeling from misspending, two new ...
U.S. Rep. Dennis Moore speaks at Delta ...
The congressman discusses politics, the economy and the election at Delta Chi ...
Lytton: Thanksgiving then and now
Thanksgiving carries a different meaning for Native Americans.
Al-Qaida leader bin Laden dead, body in ...
President Barack Obama confirms Osama bin Laden is dead in national address ...
De Oliveira: Sept. 11 should spark memories ...
Anniversary of coup overthrow in South America falls on same day as ...
Adams: China should be seen as a ...
Let's Talk Foreign Policy takes a look at negative stereotypes of China.
Age doesn’t quell urge to go to ...
Loving: International views of the presidential election
The US occupies a unique position in global politics giving foreign countries ...
Bush’s reasons for Iraq war all excuses
Panel dives into debt crisis in Europe
The University's European Studies Program sponsored a discussion of the debt crisis ...
The Department of Defense heads to KU ...
Blogs are helping better inform people about the military
Economy may actually need your help, conservatives
Marsaglia: Now men have answer to the ...
Pea coats are male's solution for a nice physique.
Movie review: Up in the Air
Jason Reitman's new film explores the intricate nature of relationships with a ...
Fire and brimstone alienates mainstream American public
Counterpoint: Humanitarian crisis in Syria
The U.S. has a moral duty to intervene in Syria.
Goble: Unite for the party of the ...
Students should exercise democratic liberties by organizing big bash
The end of the world as we ...
Doomsday scenarios and their probability or idiocy
From left: Kimberlee Hinkle, Libby Johnson and Hannah ...
1 comment
Kansas Jayhawk fans hold aloft a reproduction of ...
2 comments
Erin Saupe, a Ph.D. student from St. Cloud, ...
1 comment
0 comments
Armed robbers continue to threaten.
3 comments
Lecture from Greg Mortenson, co-author of New York ...
0 comments
Comments
Goble: Lunar nemesis orbits through crosshairs
When will the UN need a new Secretary General? You should run for that.
Sign in to comment
Or login with:
OpenID