Girl 1: I’ve heard of someone sticking a bat up their vagina.
Girl 2: Ew, how loose are they?
Girl 3: Who cares? You could get splinters!
Girl 1: It could be a metal bat.

Girl 1: Oh, I want to read that! I love reading about the devil.

Guy 1: It was good.
Guy 2: Yeah.
Guy 1: Minus the lack of talent.
Guy 2: Yeah?
Guy 1: And I kind of fell asleep.
Guy 2: Oh yeah…
Guy 1: But you should definitely go see it.

Girl 1: She straight up is a lesbian and she told me. And I trust the gay knowledge.

Girl: That makes me want to vom.
Guy: Vom? I’ll break up with you.
Girl: Fine, I’ll vom all over you.
Guy: Vom of sorrow.

Girl 1: You’re just jealous because you’re not musically inclined.
Girl 2: I play the piano.
Girl 3: Well, that doesn’t count in middle school band. Therefore, you’re not cool.

Girl: I’m pretty sure I just birthed a child out of my butt. That hurt.

Guy 1: (watching man wander by Wescoe Beach) I love it when professors look like they have no idea where they’re going on campus.
Guy 2: How do you know that guy’s a professor?
Guy 1: He’s bald and wearing a sweater vest.

Girl 1: (singing “Sugar We’re Goin’ Down” by Fall Out Boy) “Drop a heart…Break a name…”
Girl 2: Are any of them even Spanish?
Girl 1: What?
Girl 2: Singing, “Trabajar...To make a name…”
Girl 1: So not the words.

Professor: In the U.S., we’ve been conditioned to think that youth is beautiful. So we get people like Joan Rivers. You don’t get much more tucked than Joan Rivers. She’s tucked all the way to Hawaii.