Girl 1: I think I might be done.
Girl 2: With class for the day?
Girl 1: No, with the male species.
Girl 2: Yes, I too have turned asexual.

Guy: I have to go by the store and get all the whipped cream for tonight.

Girl 1: My boyfriend’s getting a dog.
Girl 2: Will it be okay this time?
Girl 1: Not sure. It’s half-boxer, half-American bulldog and half-pit bull.
Girl 2: Really? Three halves?
Girl 1: Oh, wait. Thirds?

Guy (on phone): Well, nothing says goodnight like being molested.
Girl 1: Why did you tell mom and dad I like him?
Girl 2: I didn’t!
Girl 1: Well, then why do they think something is going on there?
Girl 2: Well, they think I had sex with Pedro. But that’s because they caught me.

Guy: I’m the king behind every fashion trend in the last 20 years.
Girl: Oh, really?
Guy: Yes! Everything you see on people and in magazines is me.
Girl: So you’re behind girls wearing tights but no pants?
Guy: Yes. I thought, ‘Hey, you know what? People have worn pants long enough. Let’s spice it up a little.’

Girl: If you teach me how to flirt I’ll tell you about giz.

Girl 1: Have you ever just been sitting in an awkward position and your vagina falls asleep?
Girl 2: Ya I know! So weird!
Girl 1: Weird, yet pleasurable. It feels kind of like an orgasm.

Girl (on phone): …So I told her I didn’t want to go roller skating with her anymore, either.

Guy: I got a 45 percent.
Girl: I got a 49.
Guy: Baller.