Monday, November 3, 2008
Like you, I used to be in favor of major party Candidate X, whose ability to wear a suit and smile vacantly far surpassed the vacant smiling and suit wearing of major party Candidate Y.
But deep down inside, I yearned for more, a candidate who would look me in the eyes and, forthrightly, lie to me. A candidate who would, while holding a handkerchief over his mouth in revulsion, refuse to shake my hand because of “the thousands of tiny, many-limbed creatures dwelling upon it.” A candidate willing to slap a baby.
In short, a candidate repelled by the very thought of humanity.
Disillusioned by fake camaraderie, disenfranchised by schmaltzy compassion, I’ve never had a candidate.
But then I saw Zagnorth’s stump speech. He delivered it to aid workers in some hurricane-shattered gulf town with amazing grace and delivery, with inspiration, with a booming, mechanical voice that echoed over the whole town:
“I shall rule you all.”
I felt a thrill up my leg. Sure, some pundits point out that the hurricane itself was probably caused by the touching down of Zagnorth’s island-sized, arachnoid spacecraft. Whatever.
Reactionary Washington insiders will always be afraid of hope and change when it is expressed by towering, exoskeletoned warlords from the Xanthid Nebula.
Zagnorth the Conqueror for president: “Brainwashing you can believe in.”
I’m once again proud to be an American. I’ve been inspired to community organize.
Oh, sure, our methods have been updated to include text messaging, blogging, laser whips and mind control tiaras. But you can bet this is exactly how ol’ Abe Lincoln would be campaigning today, were he both alive and a silicon-based organism trying to harvest our species for its genetic material.
But it’s not just that I’m inspired by Zagnorth. It’s also about his substantive policies, about moving America in the right direction with the right ideas. His fresh and innovative, outside-the-beltway, ideas on enslaving humanity to construct a weapon of unimaginable destructive power. “Country First … and then the world.”
ObamcCain are just more of the same. They both have lengthy healthcare proposals that are hard to understand and boring to read. Zagnorth’s healthcare plan, reads in its entirety, “Incineration.”
Zagnorth has answers but do ObamcCain? Looking at these privileged Washington insiders, it seems doubtful that they’ve ever even talked to a real Joe the Plumber, much less met him in real life and strapped him screaming to a chair, pleading through pathetic sobs and snot-bubbles for his insignificant plumber life while his regular Joe-ness is forcibly extracted through his ear canal for future study.
Zagnorth is far superior to weak humans. McCain is feeble and old after 71 Earth years. Zagnorth is depicted in the hieroglyphs of ancient Egyptian civilization and can lift a Greyhound bus over his head with only six tentacles.
Obama has little experience at actually ruling. Zagnorth has witnessed the birth and death of stars and can lift a Greyhound bus over his head with only six tentacles.
Sarah Palin has five children and was considered brave in deciding to keep a child prenatally diagnosed with Down syndrome. Zagnorth has 3.6 million broodlings, roughly 24 percent of which have some sort of genetic anomaly or additional score of insectoid eyes. He has bravely eaten them all.
I am Zagnorth the Conqueror, and I approve this message. Paid for by the committee to elect Zagnorth president, Ron Paul vice president.
— — Reichert is an Oberlin graduate student in law.
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