Nichols: What happens when your evil twin takes over

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By Alex Nichols

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Alex Nichols is currently on assignment in Tibet. Filling in for him this week is his evil twin, Fernando.

When Alex asked me to write this column for him, I was more than happy to oblige. After all, “evil” twins are rarely given equal voice in the press these days. This was my chance to break through the barrier set by the media elite, who tend to shy away from people with my ... resume.

So I sat down and tried to come up with something to write about, something near and dear to my blackened heart.

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Photo by Mariam Saifan

And after hours of stroking and twirling my mustache in pensive thought, I finally came up with the perfect subject for an evil twin to write about: voting!

Yes, mere days ago the people of this great nation of ours exercised their unalienable right to speak out and choose who they wanted to lead this great nation, from local officers to senators to the president of the United States of America. (Obama won, right? I don't really read the newspaper.) Americans had a chance to make their presence as citizens felt.

Everybody, that is, except for me.

You see, I'm a convicted felon. Don't look so surprised! Yes, little ol' me was found by a jury of my peers to be “guilty” of the apparent “crime” of “importing endangered species” for the purposes of “trafficking their precious organs.” Who knew that was a felony these days? In the 21st century! Jeez!

Anyway, as you may know, the 14th Amendment allows states to prohibit people to vote "for participation in rebellion, or other crime."

Balderdash, I say! The only crime I have committed is the importation of endangered species for the purposes of trafficking their precious organs. And if that's wrong, I don't want to be right. Because in this case, being wrong is extremely lucrative.

And that brings me to my argument: I shouldn't have to pay taxes. You see, I went to the library to do some research. And although it felt odd to be in a public building for so long without taking at least a few hostages, I learned a lot about what this country was founded on.

The brave men (and women disguised like men) who fought for freedom in the American Revolution had a rallying cry: “No taxation without representation!”

They thought it was wrong for the British to tyrannically tax them on things like tea, sugar and knickers without having at least a say in who would be doing the tyrannical taxing. Right now I have to pay a lot of taxes. Just one panda lung can push me into a totally different bracket. And yet I don't even get to vote for a tax plan that works best for me, all because of I am a felon.

The government can't have it both ways. Either give humble endangered-species-organ-traffickers like myself a voice or let them enjoy the fruits of their illicit labors.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a fresh shipment of axolotls to attend to. Those things are ultra-profitable, what with their ability to regenerate most of their body parts. Bwahahaha!

— — Fernando is an Evil State sophomore majoring in diabolical studies.

Comments

connerm (anonymous) says...

How about no representation without taxation ? Nearly 40 % of Americans don't pay a net income tax (and in fact most of those actually gain money when it comes time for tax filing.)

Should people who don't contribute to the system be allowed to vote for what is done with the tax dollars of others?

November 7, 2008 at 10:05 a.m. ( | suggest removal )

pantheon (anonymous) says...

Connerm, I know you already know the answer to this, but no. The people too poor to give money to the government should not be represented in the government. They should not be allowed to use the services afforded by the government either. This includes all that free electricity and water and rent they get. All of that and more should be taken from them. They should, in fact, compensate the government through labor without pay, as reparations for the damage they've done to this great nation.

November 7, 2008 at 2:21 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

selliott (anonymous) says...

It's sad that Connor doesn't recognize the satire of my good from Alex. Really sad.

November 7, 2008 at 2:53 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

connerm (anonymous) says...

Wait, selliot are you serious? Is this not really Alex's evil twin?!

I feel so duped.

pantheon- You set up a straw man without answering my question. I never said that people who don't pay income taxes shouldn't receive assistance from others, whether through charity or government assistance programs. I simply asked whether it is appropriate for these same people to vote on their own welfare.

In a way this cheapens the votes of the people who actually DO contribute to the system to decide how their money should best be spent for the welfare of the country.

Should a child have equal control over his parents' finances? After all, that money is paying for his well-being as well.

November 7, 2008 at 3:23 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

AlexNichols (anonymous) says...

connorm reminds me of Jack Donaghy.

On an unrelated note, anybody want to buy some axolotl livers? I know a guy.

November 7, 2008 at 3:48 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

JConnor (anonymous) says...

Pantheon, you are so persuasive. Your sarcastic response doesn't actually offer up why you believe what you do. And telling connerm to die in a fire was a nice touch.

November 7, 2008 at 4:35 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

AlexNichols (anonymous) says...

JConnor, your use of sarcasm in a critique of another user's use of sarcasm was masterful.

November 7, 2008 at 11:49 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

BCohen (anonymous) says...

You'll have to forgive them, Alex. M isn't known for his sense of humor, and J's just being sensitive.

November 8, 2008 at 1:11 a.m. ( | suggest removal )

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