Girl: You’re going to kill me.

Professor: I would never! I could lose tenure for that.

Girl 1: Marshmallows and whip cream are the most pointless dessert foods ever.

Girl 2: I think they were just invented because there was a need for edible glue.

Girl: Alcohol and expensive video equipment—always a good time.

Guy: Just make sure you use a tripod so the video isn’t all shaky.

Professor: Hypothetical situation: It’s Zombie Night and you go downtown and find two zombies smokin’ dope behind a building. What do you do?

Girl: Make them share?

Girl: (looking at Zombie Walk photos in Jayplay) If I would’ve been downtown when this happened, I would have shat myself.

Guy: If you go to that meeting about breast cancer awareness, you get a free shirt that says “I heart boobs.”

Girl 1: It’s 11:11. Make a wish.

Girl 2: I wish the fat in my thighs would miraculously move up to my ass.

Guy: (leaving a message) Hey, just giving you a shout, so give me a shout when you get this and we can give those girls a shout.

Girl 1: She never has enough clothes on.

Girl 2: Well, next week she’ll have pneumonia so we won’t have to see her.

Professor: (sniffing the air) Is somebody eating lunch at 10 a.m.?

Guy: It’s just like elementary school!

Guy 1: (listening to TI’s song “Whatever You Like”) This whole song is about Barack Obama.

Guy 2: Barack Obama’s sex is so wet and so tight?

Girl: (on phone) I know she made it home last night…I just don’t know whose home she made it to.