Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Pope: *wheeze*
Ryan: My colleague is absolutely right. With the bipolar weather of Kansas, this time of year is a breeding ground for illnesses. The common cold and flu are everywhere. Students are dropping like five-foot jumpers from the graceful hands of Matt Kleinmann.
Pope: Every time winter rolls around, newspapers and magazines are quick to offer their own remedies for these maladies-du-jour, so we won’t go into that here. Instead, we must warn you of some potentially life-threatening diseases that go relatively unnoticed and can strike at any time during your college career.
Procrastination
Also called: Oh-shit-that-15-page-paper-assigned-last-month-is-due-tomorrow-itis
Symptoms: This is the most common disease among students, after chlamydia. Patients diagnosed with procrastination often exhibit feelings of anxiety because of the stress of academic constipation (the buildup of too much schoolwork in the colon), frequent and uncontrollable urination and, in extreme cases, complete denial that any assignments exist.
They can often be heard saying, “I’ll get started after this episode of ‘Private Practice.’”
Cures: Uh … we’ll get back to you after this episode of “Private Practice.”
Post-Midterm Stress Disorder
Symptoms: PMSD is triggered by a traumatic event such as failing an important midterm because of lack of attendance, preparation or both. Studies show that 50 percent of the 40 percent of students who fail a class suffer from PMSD unknowingly and never recover. If you think a friend — or even yourself — may be suffering from PMSD, check for these signs: excessive use of drugs or alcohol, hysterical weeping, nightsweats, diarrhea and in rare cases complete indifference to life in general.
Cures: PMSD can be cured with hard work and dedication, or you can use the method approved by the healthcare industry for solving difficult problems: Throw money at it. Bribery is recommended. Cheating is double-recommended.
Chubby Cancer
Symptoms: Male patients who have contracted Chubby Cancer often do not realize they have been infected until after waking up next to their horrible-looking decision from the previous drunken evening. The tumor can show up intermittently in the form of persistent phone calls, but it is usually benign. However, after many weeks of remission, Chubby Cancer could return as a malignant, pregnant mass. In most cases, deaths occurring from this disease are self-inflicted.
Cures: Unfortunately, no cures have been discovered.
Electile Dysfunction
Symptoms: Typically found among the most rabid John McCain supporters, patients can be observed polishing their rifles in a corner while crying into their whiskey and listening to Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)” on repeat. If you come into contact with a person suffering from ED, you are advised to keep your distance, as they are feral and will bite.
Cures: Those afflicted with ED should take two chill pills every four hours and realize that the world is not going to end because their candidate lost. It would also help to remind them that they have a few months of Bush to cling to.
Ryan: We hope this helps you to realize that there are plenty of other ways to die miserably than from the Kansas winter and the ailments it brings.
Pope: You’re *cough*
— — Pope is a Kansas City senior in English. Snyder is a Leawood senior in English.
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