Geology TA 1: I’ve never been to a Halloween party with so many great costumes.

Geology TA 2: Yeah. I was surprised there were no geology costumes, though.

Geology TA 1: Wade was going to be slutty granite, but he chickened out.

Guy 1: I’ve heard Angelina Jolie is a huge bitch.

Guy 2: The meanest celebrity I ever met was Andrew Dice Clay.

Guy 1: (pause) Honestly, I have no idea who that is.

Girl: (to guy friend) I thought of you the other day. I saw a cactus shaped like a penis. I thought of us.

Guy: I want a Pikachu tramp stamp.

Girl: Some guy at Wal-Mart tried to hit on me. And then I saw he had diapers in his shopping cart, and I was like, “You’re clearly a baby daddy.”

Guy: You don’t know that. Maybe those were his diapers.

Guy 1: I’m making a movie this weekend and I need your help.

Guy 2: Oh yeah? What can I do?

Guy 1: Give me $150.

Guy: The best thing about B.B. King is that he’s got, like, 22 kids—all of them illegitimate—but he’s been married seven times. Think about that for a second.

Guy 1: Haitian Bleu coffee sounds really yummy.

Guy 2: Even Haitian boat people know better than Taster’s Choice.

Girl: I voted for Obama because he’s the one I want to see on TV comforting us when zombies take over the world.

Guy 1: You invented something called a “meat boat?”

Guy 2: Yeah, it’s a hot dog wrapped in chili wrapped in a tortilla. But the problem with the “meat boat” is that there are never enough toilets.

Guy: Leftovers are for pussies.

Girl: That’s what my grandma says.

Guy 1: Stevie Ray Vaughn has to be the best Austin City Limits act ever.

Guy 2: Oh yeah, he’s completely coked-out and just pouring sweat.

Guy 1: With a look on his face like he’s smelling the worst fart ever.

Guy 1: I’ve got this new book that would take all my Libertarian friends to task.

Guy 2: Wait, you have more than one Libertarian friend?

Guy 1: Oh yeah. Brian’s a Libertarian.

Guy 2: Brian’s not a Libertarian. Brian’s just a selfish prick.

Girl: I love finding out people are gay. It’s my favorite thing in the whole world.

Girl: (on phone) I’m just telling you, I can’t drink with you on Tuesdays anymore…Because my mom said she’d kill me if I get a B in aerobics.

Guy: I want a mustache like that. It’s like two caterpillars fighting.

Girl 1: What are you going to wear tonight?

Girl 2: A shirt that says, “Will have sex for free.”

Guy: (listening to Nelly’s “Country Grammar”) I think this is the first song I ever threw up a gang sign to.