All I hear about college is that you have sex EVERY DAY! I haven’t had sex yet, and I go to The Hawk every day to hang around with drunk girls. Why won’t they sleep with me?

—Douglas, freshman

Fran: I don’t think it takes a sexpert to tell you the reason you’re not getting laid is because you are clearly a CREEPER. You are forgetting most girls don’t come to the bar drunk. Sure, many girls are tipsy when they arrive, but they can still recognize you as that guy who mysteriously shows up at The Hawk every time they do.

What the hell are you doing at The Hawk anyway, McLovin? Drunk girls won’t sleep with you because your voice still cracks when you say hello. If they were looking to screw someone in their class, they would go to Hashinger Hall’s Singing Bee, or whatever activity the dorms have planned for that night—not to the bar.

Stop going to the bars to try to pick up women. You will have better luck in the lobby of your residence hall. Those drunk girls have to go somewhere after last call, and the lightweight freshman that are the most likely to sleep with you will be going back to the dorms

Matt: Alcohol is not always a precursor to sex. If you think this, you have a lifetime of blurry nights and a lot of apologizing to look forward to in your future. I don’t know where you came up with this notion—perhaps from an older sibling or a friend, but it needs to end.

I’ll concede that alcohol is an effective social lubricant, but it doesn’t always work as lubricant for the bedroom. Sex can turn sloppy, and sometimes your partner can pass out before you even get there.

And please, don’t take Fran’s advice about stalking the residence hall lobbies. That’s breaking news of a residence hall stalker waiting to happen. And even if you do, the inebriated girls will probably be surrounded by their smart, cautionary friends.

It’s also not uncommon for freshmen to have fake IDs, but save yours for buying alcohol at a liquor store. For the time being, bars are not your scene.

I would also like to take this opportunity to commend and thank these “Hawk girls” Douglas is pining for. Thank you for not living up to the stereotype of “drunk girls.” Thank you for avoiding such freshmen as Douglas. And thank you for knowing when to say “No, thank you.”

Why is it that guys just want sex and then become uninterested? If the sex is good, why not pursue the relationship? Isn’t sexual attraction part of the relationship?

—Janet, junior

Fran: The general consensus among my guy friends is that it is possible for good sex to turn into a relationship, but unlikely. When guys go looking for a one-nightstand, they aren’t planning for a relationship, no matter how amazing the sex. One guy told me that if the sex is good, he usually assumes it was a one-time occurrence. You both might have been wasted, inhibitions were gone, so you were throwing each other against the wall,—but sober sex is probably not going to be that kinky with someone you barely know.

Also, the sex might not have been as good for him as it was for you. Another friend said that when guys are really drunk, it’s difficult to even get it up, much less have good sex. And even if it was good, it’s likely your partner won’t remember it anyway.

All the guys I talked to also said the qualities they look for in a hook-up are immensely different than what they look for in a potential love interest. “Dating isn’t just about sex,” one friend said. Even if the sex is good, you and your one-night-stand have to have a spark in other areas besides the bedroom.

Unless you’re just looking to get laid, too, then don’t have sex with guys you’re not dating.

Matt: It’s all about the chase, Janet. In strictly sexual situations, guys want you until they have you. When they have you, they’ll consider a relationship beyond sex.

Try finding guys who want more than sex in the first couple of dates. You will have established that you want more out of a relationship and the sexual attraction will be at its height because the mystery will still be alive.

I disagree a bit with Fran’s friends. If the sex is good, it is more likely a relationship will develop. Guys will be coming back for more, and feelings beyond sexual will eventually develop.