When my friends and I get together, it can sometimes be a political lovefest. Most of our political thought is like-minded, but we have one friend (yes, only one) who is of an opposite political affiliation, and he always remains quiet. We attempt to playfully antagonize him, and still not a peep.

“You should never discuss politics with friends,” he says as a rule of thumb.

We concede and back off. We’re friends—we can avoid politics to keep the peace.

The same can’t be said for intimate relationships. Couples share their lives—including politics—with each other, and silence isn’t always an option.

Couples with different political affiliations can have a difficult time knowing where to draw the line when America’s politics get confused in the politics of a relationship. Couples can feel as if they are voting against their partners when voting for political beliefs and values. Some know when to call it quits and leave their beliefs on the ballot, while others can’t resist the urge to push the hot button issues to the point of ruining a relationship.

Clarissa Unger has answered her campaign phone, “Kansas for Obama,” ever since Sen. Barack Obama was tapped as a Democratic presidential candidate. As deputy state coordinator for Students for Barack Obama, the Colby senior is heavily involved in electing Obama as president. She’s so involved that, in part, it cost her a relationship.

She had been dating her now ex-boyfriend for almost a year, and when the state primaries and elections began to heat up before the end of last year, she started spending more time campaigning. Her ex, a Republican, became upset because they weren’t spending enough time together.

“There was one point when he told me that he thought I was more interested in the campaign than I was him, which actually I think was probably true,” she says.

He wasn’t as involved in campaigning for the opposing party, which augmented Unger’s frustration. As the end of 2007 neared, she says the two broke up over a phone call that involved Unger telling her ex that she had the opportunity to attend a New Year’s Eve party with Obama.

“He wasn’t too excited about it at that point, and so I spent New Year’s Eve with Barack Obama instead of him,” Unger says.

Men’s and women’s different expectations about political beliefs affect how couples communicate the issue, says Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, author of Making Love, Playing Power: Men, Women, and the Reward of Intimate Justice. “Men have been taught to set the agenda,” he says. “They feel they are entitled to their needs.” He says women, however, think they need to fight for fairness regarding issues they strongly believe in.

Dolan-Del Vecchio offers James Carville and Mary Matalin as an example of political opponents who manage a relationship without politics becoming a problem. Carville worked as a campaign adviser for Bill Clinton in the 1992 presidential election, and Matalin worked on George H.W. Bush’s campaign as a strategist to get Bush re-elected in the same election. And yet, Dolan-Del Vecchio says they learned to negotiate the differences. The couple has been married for 15 years and has two daughters.

Luke Matheis has also become skilled in negotiating differences. Matheis, a member of KU College Republicans, has dated several liberal women while at the University. The Overland Park junior says his conservative politics formed when he started college, and has dated several liberal women while at the University. He maintains the same tolerant mindset through each relationship. He says that when they discuss politics, his girlfriends listen to what he has to say, and he listens to what they have to say.

“It’s their beliefs, their opinion, and that’s what they think. I have my reasons for why I think the way I think. I don’t really get defensive about it at all,” Matheis says.

Diana Carlin, professor of communication studies, says couples should attempt to try to understand and respect their partner’s beliefs. Politics is a value and emotionally laden issue in relationships, and politically mixed couples may give each other issues to think about when discussing politics, but they are not going to admit change in political beliefs right away.

That’s how Carlin and her husband have learned to deal with being registered with different political parties. She says that, when they discuss politics, they usually talk in a lighthearted fashion, but also have serious conversations. She says each of them is willing to concede when the opposing party makes sense.

“While it’s important, you realize it’s not worth jeopardizing a relationship,” she says.

A couple who has the same political affiliation should be a less complicated stroll to the voting booth. But Gina Burrows and George Dungan could only be so lucky. Both are members of KU Young Democrats, and Gina Burrows, vice president of the group, says she and her boyfriend of nine months, Dungan, communications director of the group, supported different candidates in this year’s Democratic presidential primaries. Burrows, Salt Lake City junior, backed Sen. Hillary Clinton, while Dungan supported Sen. Barack Obama.

In February, when the two caucused for their respective candidates in Lawrence, they were on opposite sides of the building during the caucus. Dungan, a Lincoln, Neb., junior, says the experience of being on opposite sides was more fun than anything because he knew Obama was going to blow Clinton away in delegate support. Burrows also says that during the six-month delegate battle between Clinton and Obama, friends made jokes and assumed because she was dating Dungan, Burrows would be an Obama supporter, too.

Burrows says when Clinton conceded in June, it was an “I-told-you-so” moment for her boyfriend, but the couple has managed to strike a balance of knowing when to joke and when to be respectful of one another. It helps that they have a similar political basis to return to if discussions become too heated, she says. Dungan says most of the time he enjoys having different opinions so they can actually talk and discuss politics and not just always agree.

“It’s nice to be with someone with the same political leaning, but it’s even better when she’s her own person with her own views,” Dungan says.

Burrows is now an Obama supporter, and both she and Dungan support Obama’s pick of Sen. Joe Biden as his running mate. She says she and her boyfriend also bond over questionable political moves of the opposing party, such as Sen. John McCain choosing Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate. “We both unified over the outrage for Democrats, and me as a woman,” Burrows says.

Alyson Beach had no such luck during the 2004 presidential election. The 2007 graduate broke up with her now ex-boyfriend of one-and-a-half years just before the presidential election between Democratic Senator John Kerry and Republican Governor George W. Bush. Her ex-boyfriend is more conservative, she says, and it wasn’t a coincidence that they broke up just before the election.

“He would see something for Kerry and I would see something for Bush and it would just escalate something unnecessary,” she says.

Beach says she is more of a passive person when it comes to bringing up politics, and she says her ex couldn’t resist making remarks when politics came up. The two are still friends and can now actually discuss politics without fighting, she says. Because the two aren’t attempting to make a relationship work, fewer obstacles are present.

Politics was definitely a factor in the breakup, she says, and now is more wary of dating guys with strong political differences in the future.

“It definitely made me gun-shy about the whole thing,” she says.

Couples can learn to accept each other’s beliefs without feeling threatened, says Lawrence clinical social worker Ruth Shadel. She says that couples who disagree on issues such as politics should attempt to actively listen. Active listening involves one person explaining a point he or she is attempting to make, and the other person explaining back what he or she heard.

“It’s not a matter of agreement, but to understand what they are saying,” Shadel says. Active listening helps clarify why certain issues, such as politics, could be a problematic factor in the relationship.

Shadel says couples who are attempting to actively listen usually fall into one of two categories. One person has the fear of confronting the situation and chooses to avoid the situation entirely. The other can’t resist pushing his or her beliefs on his or her partner instead of keeping their beliefs to his or herself. Either factor can lead to conflict and can hinder understanding to accept differing beliefs without feeling threatened.

Lori Hutfles, former Democratic state representative from Johnson County, has her 13-year “conflict” under control. She is in a politically un-unified marriage and met her husband, Mike, in Topeka while he was working for the Speaker of the Kansas House and she was serving her term as state representative. She now works for the Robert J. Dole Institute of Politics and he is a republican lobbyist in Topeka. They have a son, Sam, 7, and a daughter, Kierstin, 10.

While in college, Hutfles says, she never would have imagined she would marry a Republican, but says this can actually strengthen relationships because the couple crosses boundaries that would never be touched in politically similar relationships.

She says she is a big environmentalist but has a weakness for warm, long showers. Her husband sometimes interrupts her in the shower and says, “Lori, Al Gore is on the phone and he said enough already! You’re killing the polar bears!” Hutfles says her daughter responds, “Who’s Al Gore and why is he calling mommy?”

Her daughter occasionally sees the couple sparring over political issues, Hutfles says, but Kierstin just laughs and says, “I love my parents because they argue about important things like global warming and ice sheets in Antarctica. Other parents argue about silly things.”

Hutfles says both she and her husband being moderates also helps. A lot of people are in the massive middle, she says, and identify themselves within each party but have more in common than they think. But she and her husband also know at the end of the day what’s important.

“You need to respect that they feel as strongly about politics as they do, even if they’re not exactly the same,” she says.