Pope/Snyder: How we should choose our candidates

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By Michael Pope, Ryan Snyder

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pope: If we the people have learned one thing from this year’s slew of presidential debates, it’s nothing. But if we’ve learned two things, the second would be that they are little more than glorified drinking games for an increasingly jaded populace. The key is to be so drunk that you are fully convinced you don’t live in the country these two candidates are arguing about.

Ryan: This proves the debates are an obsolete tradition that must be updated for modern times. We are impatient people. We demand action. This country cannot be run by just any Joe Six-pack. It requires a president that actually has a six-pack. We don’t need candidates — we need gladiators. Thus, we propose a new format to consider, one that combines everything Americans admire — flowing mullets, tight spandex and names like “Turbo.” This is American Candidators.

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Photo by Tyler Doehring

The Joust

Contestants … er, candidates will go head-to-head against tough issues facing America with nothing but a pugil stick and the inbred offspring of a hockey and football helmet to protect them. They will have no choice but to deal with these problems directly or plummet 20 feet to the mat below. It’s hard to keep focused when you’re staring up at all 6-foot-5, 220 pounds of The Economizer when he’s making his pecs dance in a taunting fashion.

Assault

In this next grueling event, it’s hit or be hit as challengers endure a bombardment of rapid-fire questions from a tennis-ball cannon controlled by the ruthless Moderator. This should be an event that the candidates have much experience in — dodging more difficult queries and firing back their own prepared remarks with the hope of hitting the target. But they’re racing against the clock, and if any unexpected subjects manage to catch them off guard, they’ll be out, losing valuable points with the audience. And those things can leave a nasty bruise.

The Gauntlet

This event ain’t for the faint of heart or the camera-shy. Although some candidates might claim that the odds are unfairly stacked against them, they must take their turn through the media frenzy and try to return unscathed. Blocking the narrow, high-walled path to victory are three of the toughest obstacles in this competition: The Pundit-sher, a take-no-prisoners opponent who’s as stubborn as a boulder and twice as big; The Manchor, who claims he’s all about stone-cold facts yet still answers to the highest-bidder; and The Burn-alist, out for blood and not caring who gets hurt in the process.

The Eliminator

If things are still too close to call, challengers must battle it out one-on-one in this strenuous obstacle course designed to push them to their limits for our amusement. From the hand-bikes and balance beam to the giant cargo net and zip-line, whoever finishes first will be the kind of leader this country has truly deserved: strong, sweaty, exhausted and immediately regretting their decision.

Rest assured, if any senile senators manage to bumble their way through the previous trials, this event will stop them in their tracks like a Matt Kleinmann pick.

Pope: So in the future, when you’re following that year’s exciting presidential race and every candidate looks like José Canseco, you’ll thank us for another brilliant idea.

Ryan: You’re welcome.

— Pope is a Kansas City senior in English. Snyder is a Leawood senior in English.

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