Pope: Oftentimes, as my associate Ryan and I sort through our mail, we find — nestled among various bills and the newest issue of Matt Kleinmann Monthly — a few letters from adoring fans who seek our infinite wisdom. One such letter was sent to us by a distressed student who was having girl trouble. He writes that he has grown tired of waking up post-coitus next to attractive young women, which happens at least four times a week. Desperate to shed this burden, he asks us how he might become better at repelling the opposite sex.

Ryan: Luckily for him, we are masters of this art form. For all of those wishing to deter the insufferable sex drive of women, here’s a little game we like to call “Just the Tips.”

Pope: The No. 1 rule of avoiding sex is, of course, to never leave the house. Ordering out seems expensive, yet it pales in comparison to the high emotional cost of a female with nothing on her mind save your private regions. Sometimes departure is necessary, though, so it is important to remember this mantra: Comfort Over Style. Throw on those cargo pants from middle school with the zip-off legs. What if you’re being pursued by a pack of wild women through the burning wreckage of some frat guy’s Jeep when your pant legs catch on fire? You need to be able to jettison that shit.

Ryan: Another rule to keep in mind is Safety In Numbers. I recommend at least four men to a group, which will provide safe passage to any drinking destination. Women won’t usually approach a bunch of men standing together – this isn’t the ’60s and you’re not sailors fresh from the docks. Avoid all conversation. There will be times, however, when you can’t resist their siren call, finding yourself unable to escape the clutches of one of these harpies.

Pope: Through her screeches, you might just be able to make out that she wants you to buy her a drink. Buying a girl drinks is essentially a legal form of prostitution. Both seek the same conclusion; the only difference being that when you pump a girl full of alcohol at a bar, you’re paying someone else. Prostitution just cuts out the middleman.

Ryan: As Pope would know personally. You won’t be able to ignore her request for long, but there are ways around getting her drunk, which as we all know leads to her advancement across the Southern Front. Try ordering her water. Easy. Delicious. Non-threatening. Sadly, she will urge you to provide her with something alcoholic. This situation calls for the Three to One Rule: For every drink she has, you are to stay three times more intoxicated. No matter how horny she gets, she should find it difficult to carry your limp form home.

Pope: Ryan would know a thing or two about “limp forms.” If you are coherent up until last call, you’re doing it wrong. You need to be prepared for the question that dooms most men: “My place or yours?” Be careful, as either answer will lead you straight off the Abstinence Precipice and down into the depths of the Orgasm Chasm. You must be ready to launch a counterattack: “My place is fine – I just hope my serial-rapist roommate is asleep.”

Ryan: Naturally she’ll suggest her place, so tell her you’ve been Tivo-ing a Battlestar Galactica marathon all day and must get home to indulge. Besides, if you don’t rub one out before bed, you wake up cranky.

Pope: If all else fails, this is foolproof: Look deep into her eyes and act like the perfect gentleman. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her that if she ever needs you, you’ll always be there for her.

Ryan: Before you realize it, she’ll be over with the douchebag wearing the two pastel-colored polo shirts that he bought at Baby Gap.

Pope: You’re welcome.

Pope is a Kansas City senior in English. Snyder is a Leawood senior in English.