Guy 1: If he talks shit again, I’m gonna go Mike Tyson on his ass.

Guy 2: You’re going to beat a woman?

Guy 1: No, that’s a C.J. Giles.

Girl 1: Why are there so many people jogging in the rain?

Girl 2: Because it’s erotic.

Guy: I never know what the TAs are looking for. I bet they’d fail their own class if they had to take it.

Girl: Is it gross that I ate doughnuts from a dumpster Saturday night?

Girl: (on phone) …And she’s a dance major, so she has all these classes that have no educational value.

Guy: You were running late this morning?

Girl: Yeah, I got all distracted watching Fox News.

Guy: (pause) That’s something I never expected to hear anyone say.

Girl 1: It’s Hills night, bitches.

Girl 2: I get to be Heidi tonight.

Guy: Sex only smells good while it’s happening. After that, not so much.

Guy: I’m so stressed out. There are so many numbers involved with trying to figure out my spring break plans to Daytona Beach. 

  Girl: I think mumblers can inherently understand each other.

Girl 1: We only screw every 10 months.

Girl 2: Then dump him already!

Guy: My roommate is a living, moving piece of shit.

Guy 1: You want to study for Accounting tonight?

Guy 2: No way! It’s Free State Monday. I’m poundin’ some brews. 

Guy 1: I hate Tom Brady with a burning, raging passion.

Guy 2: That’s what I’m talking about. Brady blows.

  Female security guard at KU football game: I’m not going to lie; I wanted to do him. He was so sexy!