Wednesday, April 1, 2009
When living in a dorm my freshman year, I rarely spent time in my room because my roommate at the time was always watching TV. I studied in a library and spent most weekends at my friends’ instead of asking her to turn it off. My English was not fluent and I was worried I would offend her. In Japan, where I grew up, people tend to emphasize harmony and avoid confronting people at any price. When I complained to my mother about the noise in my room, she told me, “Just be patient and keep it in yourself. Don’t get in a fight with your roommate.”
After I came to the U.S., I observed that, compared with the Japanese, Americans are more straightforward. They’re encouraged to voice their concerns to others and face the problem through discussion. Until I understood this different cultural expectation, I struggled when other people tried to correct my behavior. But I gradually learned how to address my complaints to others. When I find a problem, I’ll bring it up in a conversation before it becomes a serious problem. I actually like the attitude more because I feel less stressed.
During my four years of college, however, I also found that this hesitation to speak out was not restricted to me. Many American students worry about what other people may think of them and particularly seem to have trouble saying no when they are asked a favor.
For example, as a journalism student, I often interview student sources for stories. They are usually willing to help me, and I appreciate that very much. Several people in the past, however, didn’t show up to a scheduled interview or answer the phone after we made an appointment. At first I thought they were irresponsible. But I began to think that actually they felt they couldn’t have refused my request. People are often busy, and not all of them feel comfortable speaking to a reporter. They might have been sending the signal of reluctance, but I didn’t catch it. They may have been “saying no” but were unable to say it explicitly.
Some of us may worry that expressing concerns or showing unwillingness to offer help will make us look bad or create tension with other people. The way to avoid this, however, is through good verbal communication. If we find a problem with others, we should say so with a reason, which helps avoid misunderstanding.
At the same time, we all need to be sensitive about what other people may feel dissatisfied with. For example, in the environment in which I grew up in Japan, people are often expected to “read the atmosphere,” which means to guess and sense what other people are thinking, instead of verbally expressing. This can be stressful and create more miscommunication. But it’s not a bad idea to be considerate of others and pay attention to small signals that people may send.
Finally, we should also be open-minded about what other people tell us. Even if somebody complains to us, or refuses to offer help, we shouldn’t take it personally. What we could do is ask constructive questions and tell what we think, which should bring more fruitful results.
— Miyakawa is a Tokyo senior in journalism.
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Comments
Miyakawa: Just a girl who can’t see why other people can’t say no
Miyakawa, I agree with you totally. I am an American but I find it very difficult to speak with certain people. Bossy women terrify me. The Constitution gives us all free speech, which means the other person can say what they like. Sometimes people just want to win points or make a funny (to them) remark. Communication is difficult which is why when we do connect with someone it is a special moment.
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