Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The first pitches are crossing the plate for MLB teams this week, and for the first time in years I have resisted the temptress that is fantasy baseball.
Apart from football, I’ve feebly attempted to expand my fake sports ownership resume beyond the gridiron to hoops and hockey. But each time the commissioner would usually schedule the draft for 10 p.m. on a Saturday — seriously — and I’d give up on my auto-drafted team a week or two into the season. There was no time to keep up on Rick Ankiel’s injury status. I didn’t even know I had Joey Gathright on my bench. Whatever.
While thoughts of “This is the year I’ll get serious” still exist, this is no period for thoughts to wander too far from pigskin. Like NFL general managers, fantasy football owners sweat over weather, defensive match-ups and injury reports during the season. Like NFL GMs, we orchestrate trades and scour free agencies in search of improvement. And like NFL GMs, we shouldn’t sleep on the offseason — certainly not ones like this year’s.
Come draft day, you never want to be That Person. You don’t want to be That Person who brings an obnoxious significant other to the draft. That Person who can’t pronounce Houshmandzadeh. And definitely not That Person who didn’t do their homework during the offseason. Spend too much time apart from the football news wire and you’ll be That Person Who Drafts Brett Favre in Round Three.
If you’ve yet to stay abreast of this offseason’s hot stove, the obvious starting point is 45 minutes east to Arrowhead Stadium: home of the Bernard Pollard parlay. I’m still searching for the high stakes fantasy owner who slipped Pollard the Benajmins before last September’s Pats game. Recall that, in one fell swoop, Pollard brought New England quarterback Tom Brady to his knees, Matt Cassel to the spotlight (and eventually to KC), former Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler to tears and then to Chicago, and an inebriated Internet sensation Kyle Orton to the Broncos in exchange for Cutler.
Yes, you’ll want to know that Cassel is only signed to a one-year deal so he’ll have the incentive to put up numbers comparable to last season’s breakout 3,693 yards and 21 touchdowns so as to land a hefty payday. You’ll also want to remember who exactly comprises his offensive line and perhaps even try to get an idea of Larry Johnson’s mindset in relation to his latest outfit. Seriously, the guy looks like he’s trying to decide between being Flavor Flav and Larry the Cable Guy.
But I digress. The point is, if you’re fired up about your baseball rotisserie league, then Godspeed. But if you’re planning on drafting a fantasy football squad this August, you may want to know Favre is still retired (so far) and that Orton is draining a fifth of Jack Daniels somewhere in Denver right now.
— — Edited by Susan Melgren
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