Pope & Snyder: We shouldn’t let our education go to waste

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Pope: HEY YOU GU—

Snyder: Shh! Quiet, you fool! Do you want “it” to find us?

Pope: Sorry. Um, hey, everyone, you’ve caught us at a pretty bad time. Graduation is looming, and we’re hiding from the dreaded Responsibility Monster.

Snyder: We should be safe inside this old septic tank. Ooh! I think these corn bits are OK to eat!

Pope: You know, being waist-deep in excrement reminds me of my college career. I had to wade through all those useless required courses, struggling to keep my GPA afloat, all in pursuit of a piece of paper with my name printed on it. Hey, look what I found! It’s a Liberal Arts degree!

Snyder: Someone needs to step up as a voice for the students and see that they will be adequately prepared for the soul-crushing realities they will face after graduation. Changes need to be made; here are our suggestions:

1. No Foreign Languages:

Twitter is taking over. Students shouldn’t waste time with dead languages, but learn to craft their thoughts to fit nicely within 140 charac

2. No more maths:

Math is evil. Think about it — if numbers didn’t exist, this country wouldn’t be drowning in debt. Anything above elementary calculation is useless — the only math students should concern themselves with is in counting the point spread of the latest men’s basketball victory. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time computing Tyshawn Taylor’s projected season scoring average instead of dwelling on your life’s being worth negative-i dollars? Rumor has it there’s a certain young redhead with key experience in this field that would be the perfect instructor.

3. Humanities 2.0:

Ask anyone currently taking a philosophy course whether what they’ve learned has benefited their lives in any way. No? Didn’t think so. Philosophy is simply the study of a bunch of dead guys’ opinions, and if they really knew anything, they wouldn’t be dead. A much more practical use of time would be to learn how to blame your shortcomings on others, kind of like blaming a college curriculum — instead of your own laziness and ineptitude — for not preparing you to properly adjust to life after school.

4. Homeless Studies (English majors only):

As a substitute for actual English courses, students will learn techniques for surviving in the real world with no applicable skills to speak of. Lectures will cover proper construction and maintenance of cardboard housing, locating clean and safe overpasses to huddle under, and the many ways in which rejected essays and stories can be used: as insulation, clothing, kindling and, in extreme cases, food. Special seminars for learning the art of street performance are also available. No mimes allowed.

Pope: Here’s hoping that younger generations will benefit from our diligence and sacrifice. Wait! What’s that sound? Is it the Responsibility Monster?

Snyder: No, it’s worse. Someone flushed. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to hide at Spangles.

Pope: OH, NO! M-M-M-MUDSLIDE!

— Pope is a Kansas City senior in English. Snyder is a Leawood senior in English.

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