Monday, April 13, 2009
I’m going to level with you, fair reader. Two elections ago, when I was still a registered voter in Lawrence, I chose not to vote in the Congressional midterm elections. Why? I just didn’t feel like it. Class, eating and taking a nap were all priorities. Voting for people who had little to no effect on me was not. Besides, voting damaged my Fonzie-esque cool vibes.
To reinforce my coolness, I decided to cruise by the polling place on my rockin’ motorcycle. As I passed, I did a wheelie, which kicked up mud in the face of some nerd who was proudly sporting an “I Voted” sticker. Or at least I like to imagine I did. (I actually drive a Honda Fit, which is a car whose principal ownership consists of middle-aged women. It is very hard to do anything cool in a Honda Fit.)
Naturally, I took a lot of guff for this. I find that people are so obsessed with the democratic process that they will publicly call me out on it and accuse me of ruining the nation with my apathy and laziness. Gen. George Marshall never voted, and look at all the wonderful things he did for our nation!
One of my friends got flipped off and chewed out by some guy after she revealed she hadn’t voted in that same election. Frankly, behavior like that makes me want to vote even less. It’s my vote, and I can do whatever I want with it. This includes sitting on it like a lump, which I did during this particular election.
Honestly, I wasn’t informed about the election at all and couldn’t have cared less about who was running. Would you rather I strut into the voting booth with my sunglasses on and just vote for whoever’s name I thought sounded most like the word “fart” (I actually briefly considered doing this)? I might have accidentally given Galacticus an electoral mandate to devour the planet. Then wouldn’t you have egg on your face, ultra-judgmental voter-types?
And guess what? Nothing bad happened after I ignored my democratic duties. Hitler wasn’t elected as the Kansas representative to Congress, and I felt like a new man after a three-hour power nap. Take that, middle-finger guy. You know who you are. You would probably flip off a baby if you found out he didn’t vote.
Let’s be real about this. There are enough elderly people out there who actually do care about midterm elections that someone will inevitably get elected (although I would like to see what would happen if no one got elected).
So why are we, as twentysomethings, the coolest people alive, wasting our cool time being squirreled away behind striped curtains? This is time that could be spent purchasing leather jackets, drinking, smoking in high-school parking lots and combing our greasy hair. We can vote when we’re old and gassy.
— Neubauer is a Lynn Haven, Fla., senior in journalism.
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Neubauer: Be cool; don’t vote
Sarcastic?
Neubauer: Be cool; don’t vote
Obv.
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