Pope & Snyder: Kansan columnists win prestigious writing award

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Two University Daily Kansan columnists were presented with the nation’s highest literary honor this past weekend in Washington, D.C. Michael Pope and Ryan Snyder received the F.A.K.E. — or Faulkner Award for Kickass Excellence.

Recently, I was granted the rare opportunity to interview the comedy duo face to face…to face. I pulled through the golden, guarded entryway of their stately manor outside Lawrence, which sits on 100 acres of the area’s finest crabgrass.

Around back, I found the two lounging in an Olympic-sized Jacuzzi. His golden chains glinting in the late-afternoon light, Snyder waved a gilded scepter in the direction of a nearby tree stump, and I took a seat.

Ryan Snyder: You may speak.

Ima Reporter: Um, thanks. I can see you guys certainly have your hands full at the moment, and I just wanted to thank you again for allowing me to interview you.

Michael Pope: Think nothing of it! Would you like a glass of champagne?

IR: But that’s water from your hot tub.

RS: Water? In a hot tub? What do you think we are, peasants?

IR: How silly of me. I won’t even bother asking why you’re both speaking with British accents. When did you two first discover that you made such a successful combination?

MP: Well, after we saved the world from a global memory-loss pandemic in the summer of 2008, we decided that we should take some time off and channel our greatness through the written word.

IR: Memory-loss pandemic? I don’t remember anything like that.

MP: Well, we couldn’t save everyone.

IR: So what does it feel like to win a F.A.K.E., the most esteemed and totally real award in literature?

RS: It’s great, I guess. To be honest, I can’t even remember what it looks like. We decided to give it to Dan Brown because we knew he’d never win one himself and we felt sorry for him.

IR: That’s extremely generous of you. What do you think about your critics’ calling you “egotistical, juvenile, chauvinistic non-talents”?

MP: I’d agree with the first three accusations. As for the latter, I’d say that their mothers certainly thought I was pretty talented. In the bedroom!

IR: What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to break into the competitive world of collegiate journalism?

RS: Give up. You’ll never be better than us, and if you try we will destroy everything you love.

Unfortunately, the interview was cut short as their butler hurried over and explained that a mutated, 500-foot-tall Nicholas Cage was terrorizing downtown Tokyo and the UN requested their aid. Pressing a glowing red button, they bid me farewell as a large glass dome closed over them. As their Jacuzzi rocket ship entered the stratosphere, I couldn’t help but smile. God bless those two young men.

— Pope is a Kansas City senior in English. Snyder is a Leawood senior in English.

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