Bitch & Moan

By Carly Halvorson, Elliot Kort

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My roommate is absolutely miserable. She and I aren’t really that great of friends, but it’s so hard to ignore that something is going on. She sits in her room and cries all the time. How do I approach her to see what’s wrong? I feel like it might come off the wrong way because we’re not close. I don’t want to be nosy. I really do want to help her. Melissa, freshman

Carly: Oh yeah, there’s definitely something wrong. Based on what you said, it sounds as if she’s really depressed. I’m sure she would really appreciate you wanting to help her.

To avoid coming off as nosy or intruding on her space, just take some small steps to reach out to her. Do something to show that you’re concerned about her and that you’re willing to be a friend to her. Try leaving a note on her door or on her bed. Maybe even leave a small gift, just so that she knows that someone is thinking about her and has gone the extra mile to show that they care. She may not want to talk to you, and that’s her choice to make. If she turns down your offer, say something like, “OK, but just know that I’m here if you change your mind.” That will leave the door open for her in the future, when she feels more comfortable.

Elliot: Melissa, it’s clear you genuinely care about your roommate. And it seems to me that the best thing you can do for your roommate is make sure she knows too. You’re worried about coming off as pushy or nosy. Pushy and nosy come when you insist that you know what to do to help her out.

The way to avoid that situation is to let her know that you’ve noticed she’s depressed and that you’re there for her if she needs anything. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, you’ll be there. If she just needs to know that she can turn to you in a time of need, she knows it. In the end, the only person who can know what she’s going through is her. Show that you’re available if she needs and then let her take the next step.

I just recently started dating someone I’ve been friends with for a while. But we’re both kind of nervous about how this decision will be received by our mutual friends. How can we best break the news? Brandon, freshman

Carly: It’s understandable to be nervous, because you can definitely expect your friends to throw their two cents in. Before you tell them what’s up, make sure that you two are prepared. Be ready in case one (or more) friend decides to tell you that it’s a bad idea. I think it’s best to divide and conquer.

Have your significant other tell some friends and you tell the others. Don’t tell them all at once so you can avoid feeling as if your friends are ganging up on you. Don’t dance around the subject, either. Just say, “So, Susie and I started dating recently.” When one of your friends starts to protest, assure them that things won’t be awkward when you’re together (and in case you break up). Listen to what they have to say, but don’t let it change your relationship. It’ll be hard to balance your respect for your friends with your new relationship, but it’s nothing that strong friendships can’t handle.

Elliot: The most important thing here is that, no matter when you decide to break the news, you are on the same page. You’ll never be able to control how your friends react. However, making sure that you don’t put your new girlfriend in a tight spot is something you can control. So preparing yourselves for whatever reaction might come is all you can do.

I agree with Carly. It’s not the best idea to gather everyone around to tell them all the great news. One by one, starting with the most reliably calm friend you have, pull everyone aside to let them know. Be calm, be cool, and be casual. You two are not divulging state secrets; you’re just letting your buds know that you’ve started dating. If your friends can’t handle that, then that’s their problem.

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