Monday, April 27, 2009
In the interest of full disclosure, let me preface this column by stating on the record that I have a long-standing fear of bicycles (more specifically, people riding bicycles) that grew out of a harrowing experience from my childhood. When I was seven, I was walking with my parents in the park when, filled with the boundless energy of childhood stupidity, I decided to take off running. Separated from my parents, I heard the tell-tale ring of a bicycle coming from behind me. Assuming that this was universal bicyclist language for, “Get out of the way, I am on a bicycle,” I jumped to the other side of the sidewalk.
Apparently, the real message the cyclist was trying to impart through ringing was, “Do not alter your path, I am on a bicycle.” The grown man on the bicycle jumped off so as not to hurt himself as the bicycle crashed into me. He landed on his feet, walked over to the bicycle, which had stopped half a foot from the child he had just brutalized, and rode off. I lay on the ground in a daze until I realized I was covered in a variety of horrible boo-boos and immediately began crying uncontrollably. My parents (who weren’t ever actually that far from me) took me home as I bawled. I’ve been terrified of bicyclists ever since.
With that, let me give you the crux of this column: Bicycles should be banned and bicyclists should all be thrown in prison. Perhaps the key should be forgotten. Maybe they should be subject to public flogging when they try to sneak a pleasant Sunday afternoon ride through the park. They are monsters and they deserve to be punished for three primary reasons, which I will impart to you now.
1. Legally, in Lawrence, bicyclists are required to keep to the road. They seldom actually do this and seem content to endanger the walking public whenever it fits their diabolical designs. A few weeks ago I watched as someone tried to ride his bike full-speed across Wescoe Beach. He didn’t care that people had to jump to get out of his way; he was too damn hip on his bicycle with his pants partially rolled up. When I walk through Veterans Park to go to class, I am routinely forced to relive my childhood trauma as cyclists tear ass on sidewalks where children play. Why do they feel that having two wheels gives them more of a right to the sidewalk?
2. They frequently retard the flow of traffic by being obnoxiously slow when they do decide to ride on the road. When those who have places to be honk or pass, they then yell things like, “I have a right to the road, too!” This isn’t even true. Roads were made for cars and totally rockin’ motorcycles. Bike paths in national parks were made for bicycles. It gets worse when cyclists organize and form things like “Critical Mass” that occupies the entire road and inconveniences everyone. Some of us actually do have jobs and places to be, you smelly hippies!
3. They ignore any and all road signs during such time that they occupy the road, further invalidating their claim to a stake in it. Running red lights and stop signs is just dangerous, stupid and inconsiderate, you beatniks!
All this talk of “saving the environment” is just globo-facist propaganda. Everyone knows that the fresh scent of car exhaust is like bottled America. A world where my children don’t come home at night coughing up black, viscous goo is not a world that I want to live in.
— Neubauer is a Lynn Haven, Fla., senior in journalism.
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Comments
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Huh?
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
So they shouldn't be on the sidewalk, but they also shouldn't be on the road. They shouldn't be on the road, because, as you say, roads were made for cars and motorcycles. If you actually do your research, which, as a journalism major I would have expected such before writing an article, you would find that roads were actually paved as a result of cyclists.
There are the cyclists who disobey traffic laws, but there are also those of us who do follow the rules of the road. Of course, most people don't think about that before sticking their heads out their windows to scream and whine like the seven year old you describe in the article. Perhaps it is because we are chronically screamed at that so many cyclists take to the sidewalk when commuting, simply to appease the angry motorists who go out of their way to endanger our lives.
Unfortunately, your article was poorly written, and your attitude is a result of a psychological disorder rather than research, so you've done nothing to mend the relationship between cyclists and motorists/pedestrians. Better luck next time.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
"Legally, in Lawrence, bicyclists are required to keep to the road." This is only true in one place in Lawrence. You may have misread your city ordinances. Downtown is the only place they have to ride on the road. And be honest, you don't want to have to jockey for position with a Schwinn on 23rd.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
I think we all need to stand back and take a deep breath here. Reread the article, gather the tone, then decide whether or not we need to criticize this young man or congratulate him for an excellent piece of satirical writing.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Mr Neubauer needs to do some research, but not for the reasons you might think. This article was already written by Zack Colman for the Michigan State newspaper. He tried to write a witty article about how cyclists terrorize pedestrians and interfere with motorists. Here's the article he wrote: http://www.statenews.com/index.php/article/2009/04/bicyclists_need_to_stay_on_sidewalk It resulted in a number of threats against his wellbeing.
I'm going to make sure this article shows up on every cycling website I know of. The Kansan is going to have to take some responsibility for this one.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
It's a joke, but it's mostly dead on except for the "keep to the road" thing. Bicyclists ignore signs. Bicyclists ignore pedestrians. Bicyclists are inherently bad people. It's a universal law. A year ago, right before the Olympics, a bicyclist stabbed five police officers and two of them died.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
I'm with pantheon on this one, honestly, and that means a lot. We are Kansan comment nemeses!
Ever since I saw the critical mass bikers, the people who intentionally clog traffic ways because they feel they are morally superior to those who drive cars, I've had a negative opinion of Lawrence bikers...Well, that and their flagrant violation of traffic laws. There's no need to ban biking or anything, but I wish bikers would be as respectful of the law and other people as drivers are.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
I'm with pantheon on this one, honestly, and that means a lot. We are Kansan comment nemeses!
Ever since I saw the critical mass bikers, the people who intentionally clog traffic ways because they feel they are morally superior to those who drive cars, I've had a negative opinion of Lawrence bikers...Well, that and their flagrant violation of traffic laws. There's no need to ban biking or anything, but I wish bikers would be as respectful of the law and other people as drivers are.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
"but I wish bikers would be as respectful of the law and other people as drivers are."
Bwahahahahahaha. How many times a day do you see people go over the speed limit, roll through stop signs, fail to give pedestrians right of way at cross walks, or switch lanes without signaling? Drivers are not without sin, here.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Under state law, bicycles are vehicles and are required to use roadways or designated bike paths. Unless there is a designated bicycle lane, bicyclists are also required to remain as close as practicable to the right side of the road. This means riding single file, not 2 or 3 abreast. Obviously, this would solve the problems of obstructing traffic. Bicyclists are also required to obey all other traffic laws -- that means bicyclists must stop for stop signs and traffic lights, must yield any time any other vehicle would be required to yield, and must signal turns. It also means that bicyclists, like other vehicles are subject to charges for obstructing the flow of traffic.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
I'm not saying drivers are without sin, but as far as obeying the law goes I think they do make a more earnest effort than bikers do. I rarely see a car run a red light or stopsign (and a rolling stop is still better than running through,) yet I see bikers do this on a daily basis.
I think the main reason this is the case is that drivers stand to do much more damage to whatever they hit than bikers, so they are more careful.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
KU2008: NO U
But seriously, read http://lawrenceks.org/share_the_road_bicyclists Note: Yield the right-of-way to pedestrians. Bikes should be parked in bike racks or at parking meter adapters. Bikes should not be attached to a tree, fire hydrant, traffic control device or sign, street light, utility pole or any parking meter. Do not ride with headphones. You cannot hear traffic, trains or other warnings from cyclists. (and actually this goes triple for scooter people)
If you always follow all the rule, applaud yourself. If not, lrn2grammar and reading comprehension. I'm encouraging sidewalk riding responsibly. The road is probably the worst place for a cyclist anywhere other than downtown or on campus, because cars are using those. You wouldn't drive a car on a busy tank track, so why ride a bike on a street? Use common sense if you have it.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
So pantheon, do you drive a car on roads that semi-trucks travel? Why would you do that? Use common sense...
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
End your self.... Please.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Because a semi is totally dissimilar to a car. Right. They are less similar to cars than tanks to cars (or semis for that matter) or bikes to cars. Care to try that again? Maybe squirrels to space ships? Intercontinental ballistic missiles to ice cream?
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
I dislike this whole article ... Except the part about critical mass (They are fixed gear douche bags)... and the part about smelly hippies... No one likes those.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
You made the comparison of car to bike and car to tank, which I then asked if you would drive a car where semis travel... Pay close attention, I know you are not too bright...
Average car - 3200 lbs Average bike and rider - 200 lbs Car to rider ratio - 16:1
Max loaded semi - 40tons (80,000 lbs) Average car - 1.25tons (3200 lbs) Semi to car ratio - 25:1
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
I feel safer driving around semis than many other vehicles. Semi drivers are trained and generally graded on their ability to drive safely.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Way to be intentionally obtuse. Let's do this step by step, because I know you'll hurt yourself otherwise. Also, I enjoy humoring you as much, if not more, than you enjoy being intentionally obtuse. It turns me on, baby.
Step 1: What are paved roads designed for?
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Cars and semis accidents never end in fatalities. Semi truck drivers are never sleep deprived and never pose as a serious risk to other drivers.
In the past year there have been three car accidents,I can think of, in Douglas County resulting in fatalities. How many cycling fatalities have there been? One, a police officer riding his bike between Lawrence and Eudora. There was a man walking in a crosswalk killed just three weeks by an incompetent driver.
Bikes are actually becoming more prominent in Lawrence. The only answer to this problem is more bike lanes.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
"The only answer to this problem is more bike lanes"
Clearly. Because, as we learned from Connor 'The Highlander' MacLeod, there can be only one.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Well, I sure don't know pantheon, are you trying to trick me in to answering that paved roads are designed for cars? Maybe you should read some history... Can you tell me why the interstate system was designed?
http://inventors.about.com/library/inventors/blcar3.htm
"Yet the invention that would spark a revolution in transportation was a simple two-wheeler. The bicycle. Its popularity in the 1880s and 1890s spurred interest in the nation's roads.
On October 3, 1893, General Roy Stone, a Civil War hero and good roads advocate, was appointed Special Agent in charge of the new Office of Road Inquiry (ORI) within the Department of Agriculture. With a budget of $10,000, ORI promoted new rural road development to serve the wagons, coaches, and bicycles on America's dirt roads."
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
And people on foot, because don't forget, paths through forests were also roads in the 16th century. Let's get real. We have roads, right now, outside. You can go look at one and come back if you need to get a grip on reality. Now, try again.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Get out of your dorm room and read some history, perhaps you can come back to reality then.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Yikes! Prepare for the deluge of comments from cyclists you've offended. I found the first response already:
http://bikelemming.blogspot.com/2009/04/bicycles-should-be-banned-and.html
Zack Colman was reportedly rather shaken from the backlash he received.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
What, you're going to give up? I expected better from the antipantheon.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
I was always told never to argue with an idiot because he'll bring you down to his level and beat you with experience. You've beaten me, I concede.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Don't worry. Some day you too will be as successful and happy as me. Alternatively, you could ride a bicycle in the road and be crushed like nuts in the mouths of squirrels.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
So, tell me a little about yourself
Run over by a bicyclist? I see, a traumatic physical event in your childhood.
Well, Andrew, the truth is, you're not afraid of bicyclists.
The structure of the wheels, looked at from the sides, resemble a structure that your mother used to comfort and feed you as a young child.
When the bike wheels ran over you, producing pain, it reminded you of the pain & fear you could face if separated from your mother and the comfort & nourishment she can provide. Who separated you from the mother structure? A man Who is the only person you can separate you from your mother? A man, your father
Therefore, you are not afraid of bicyclists, you have a Oedipus complex.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Brilliant!
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
"Neubauer is a Lynn Haven, Fla., senior in journalism."
2/10
Kind of boring, really. Learn what 'brutalized' means, for a start.
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Neubauer and Zack Colman can start their own intercollegiate club.
http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2009/04/bsnyc-friday-fun-quiz.html
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Yawn. Old Meme. Leave it to the Squawks to be way behind Sparty.
See the following
RickRoll'D by cotter548
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
Not bad for a fifth grade essay, but who knew they had a journalism major in elementary school?
Neubauer: Ban the bike (and cyclists too)
So because you had one bad experience with a cyclist, you think that all bicycles should be banned? I stopped reading after that.
Then I saw where this article from from, and I wasn't surprised.
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