Cohen,Bornstein: War on Christmas

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Ben Cohen: Every year, astute neoconservative talking heads warn the general public about a secular “War on Christmas.”

Lauren Bornstein: A War on Christmas? Sounds like something those crazy, minority-loving liberals would ignite.

BC: Well, I’ve got news for you: The War on Christmas is real.

LB: As real as the faux Ugg boots half the women on campus wear.

BC: We’ve been waging it for years. Know why you hear people say “Happy holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” sometimes?

LB: Crazy liberals, right? Political correctness? But really, why?

BC: Nothing to do with the fact that Hanukkah, New Year’s Day and sometimes Ramadan are all around the same time. It’s because we’re trying to stop you from celebrating Christmas.

LB: Yeah, we’re sick of all the Hallmark Christmas commercials starting at the end of October. So, we’ve decided enough is enough. A war must be declared. No longer shall we bear with another month-long run of every Christmas movie.

BC: All the awful music on the radio, and crappy specials on TV? Those are a ruse to keep you complacent.

LB: So while you’re sitting in your lazy chairs listening to Celine Dion’s rendition of “The Christmas Song” for the umpteenth time, we’ll be raiding your radio stations and TV networks, armed with latkes and dreidels. It’s time to whip out our menorahs.

BC: Bill O’Reilly tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen. Now we will further our plans, already started by saturating the mainstream with things that are associated with Christmas. In a few more years, we fully expect it to be officially renamed “X-Mas,” just like on “Futurama.”

LB: People already think the Jews control the entertainment business. Now we’re on our final stage of taking over your Christmas, and there’s nothing you can do to stop us.

BC: So whenever you drink a can of Coca-Cola with an obese, red-clad home invader on it, or dare to acknowledge that Christmas is not the only holiday in December, just remember, it’s all our doing, it’s completely malevolent, and you can’t stop it.

BC and LB: Happy holidays!

— Cohen is a Topeka senior in political science. — Bornstein is a Lawrence senior in women’s studies and sociology.

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