Pope: I can’t believe it! We actually got an e-mail — I mean, I have finally chosen a submission from the 3,292 (but who’s counting) possible arguments our dear readers have sent since our last desperate plea. What is this feeling? Could it be love?

Snyder: I don’t care what it is, just don’t clog the toilet again. Let me see that letter. It looks like it’s from a Mr. … Joe Pancake? We have the best readers. Anyway, Joe faces a rather interesting predicament. With the economy tanking, he cannot decide which love deserves the last vestiges of his savings — booze or food. I know which one I’d choose.

Pope: What? Sorry, I’m three sheets to the wind right now. Since it’s our first user-submitted argument, I feel this calls for a little extra something.

Pope and Snyder:

SUB-HEADING TIME!!!

COST

Pope: This is going to be too easy. If you think creatively, booze can be classified as food and drink, which makes it much more economical than either of them separately. It practically sells itself. It’s the ShamWow of vices.

Snyder: The last time you thought creatively, it ended with five angry policemen, your pants in a tree and a whole lot of emotionally scarred third graders.

Pope: Whatever, that was the best magic trick ever.

Snyder: Getting back on topic, once you’ve calmed the rage that its commercials stir within, it becomes clear that the $5 you-know-what is a much better deal. Eat one every day until you die of scurvy and think of all the money you’ll save for the funeral!

ENTERTAINMENT VALUE

Pope: I don’t think I need to illustrate just how enjoyable alcohol can make even the most mundane activities. Heck, it even makes Nicolas Cage movies darn-near watchable. Is there anything it can’t do?

Snyder: Yeah, it can’t improve your abysmal dancing skills. But while entertainment via inebriation is a relatively new experience for most of us, playing with food has been a lifelong pastime. “Here comes the choo-choo train” was enough for us to eat our vegetables, and food fights made the most wretched of cafeteria meals enjoyable. Who knows, with a little imagination maybe you could make yourself a Mrs. Joe Pancake.

CAMPUS LIFE

Pope: Normally, I would advise against sipping the dangerous cocktail of lectures with a booze chaser, but sometimes a little Bailey’s in your coffee can really help jump-start the day.

Snyder: More like dumpstart your day, right? That’s two poop jokes in one column. And they said it couldn’t be done.

Pope: Plus, alcohol has this wonderful effect of making everyone more attractive, and honestly, who wouldn’t enjoy a campus full of beautiful people? Not that it isn’t already, ladies. (Call me.)

Snyder: The attractiveness only goes one way, buddy. After you show up to class drunkenly screaming for a field trip to Jimmy John’s, don’t be surprised when nobody calls.

Pope: I hope we’ve helped answer your question, Joe. Just know that, no matter which industry you choose to support, it will be a much better investment than giving that money to Wall Street.

Snyder: You’re welcome.

— Pope is a Kansas City, Kan., senior in English. Snyder is a Leawood senior in English.