Thursday, January 22, 2009
Pope: …listen, all I’m saying is that ointment isn’t working because it still burns when I—
Snyder: WHAT?! Break is already over? You mean we have to start writing again?
nutgraf
Don’t ruin your friendship arguing over who liked the movie Kazaam more. Let us do that; we already hate each other.
Pope: I don’t even remember how we did it in the first place.
Snyder: Quick! Start mashing keys! It’s worked before.
Pope: OUIAE”Q|#W|eHello readers! (whew) Another year is upon us, and we’ve decided to try something a bit different with our column space.
Snyder: Except the level of immaturity. That’s still present.
Pope: Of course. Anyway, we decided that because we spend most of our time arguing with each other over everything from chores to whores, we should focus our column on just that: arguing.
Snyder: But these countless hours of childish debate have left us squabbling over recycled material, and it’s just not the same. So that’s why we need you, our seven faithful readers, to send us aid.
Pope: Picture us as starving orphans with our eyes glazed over and our pockets empty. For only one argument every two weeks, you can calm the raging hunger that brews inside our distended bellies.
Snyder: It’s simple. If you find yourself coming unraveled over some petty disagreement, the more ridiculous the better, stop immediately and e-mail it to us. Don’t ruin your friendship arguing over who liked the movie Kazaam more. Let us do that; we already hate each other.
Pope: We’ll each take a side in our next column and put your name in print for the dozens of Kansan readers who make it past the Free For All to see. That is, unless you don’t want your frat buddies to know that you liked “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2” more than the original, in which case your identity will be graciously omitted.
Snyder: Here’s an example of what we’re looking for: I like mustaches.
Pope: And I don’t.
Snyder: I’ve comprised a list of distinguished mustachioed individuals whose lip tuxedos make this world a better place to live in: Billy Dee Williams, Burt Reynolds, Edward James Olmos and Captain Hook. Just try to refute this logic.
Pope: Okay. Here’s my list of people with mustaches who are creepy and make me cry myself to sleep at night: Ryan Snyder. Seriously, it looks like you were making out with one of Pete Sampras’ wooly eyebrows and it stuck to your face.
Snyder: *gasp* First, what I do with Pete Sampras is my own business. Second, I think it’s pretty clear that you are suffering from mustache envy. Walking around with such a naked and childlike upper lip must be both embarrassing and emasculating. I pity your inability to grow the symbol of manliness.
Pope: I’ll have you know that the reason I cannot clothe the area under my nose is because I recently donated my mustache hair to those who have lost their sideburns in freak industrial accidents. I bet you feel like an asshole now.
Snyder: You’re a freak industrial accident.
Pope: And there you have it, folks. This is the kind of quality work you should come to expect from us for the rest of the semester. Just send in your arguments and you can thank us later for making your world a little more stress-free.
Snyder: You’re welcome.
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