I was going through a file CNN tape for a class when I stumbled on a spring break story the channel ran back in 2003. I forgot what the general point of the story was, but it began by characterizing my hometown (Lynn Haven is three minutes from Panama City Beach, Fla.) as a “modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah,” while showing college students gyrating on each other at bars down on the beach. Scantily clad and inebriated folks of both genders were shown running up and down the mile-long stretch of beach that houses spring break. They were all screaming at the camera, announcing their holiday.

“WHOOOOO SPRING BREEEEEEAAAAK!”

I know spring break is coming soon and your brains are full to bursting with the need to cast caution, scruples and articles of clothing to the wind in favor of “kickin’ it wild” for a week. By all rights, you’ve earned it. Clearly the goal of higher education is to squander it. This year, however, I’m prostrating myself in front of you, pleading: Don’t let lazy and irresponsible journalists or profiteers get the best of you this year!

I’ve seen this story played year-in, year-out at the expense of both college students and town residents. The city’s populace is always shown as a bunch of negligent morons with no control over their town. College students always come off looking like immature, perpetually inebriated wastes of life.

Having lived as both, I really don’t feel as though either stereotype is warranted. Do we, as our proud nation’s future, really want to be depicted as petty, vapid, spoiled assholes? I say we stick it to CNN this year by showing them how utterly classy we can be. I know that I, for one, will be wearing at least a monocle for the entire break. I also plan on making a reference to reading New Yorker magazine whenever camera crews are around.

But I’m a townie! They won’t take me seriously! I encourage you, my fellow students, to follow my lead. Act as vainglorious and reckless as possible off-camera, but be classy gents or lasses whenever cable news/local news/Joe Francis shows up to take advantage of said vaingloriousness and irresponsibility. When a reporter comes by to tape you drinkin’ and dancin’, debate the necessity of nationalized banking with them! When Joe Francis asks you to expose yourself for a cheap T-shirt, explain to him the importance of President Obama’s choosing Dennis Ross as his advisor on Iran!

(Side note: Francis won’t be in Panama City. He’s banned for life for statutory rape. However, I’m sure he’ll be at other spring break-y locales, and I understand he also loves jawing about third-world economic policy.)

Unfortunately, I’m operating on the base assumption that everyone will party significantly harder because I wrote this. Such is life. Spring break essentially runs Panama City Beach’s economy anyway.

I will make one serious note. Pick up your garbage for at least just this week. Last year there were beer cans, unused condoms, dip cans and all manner of liquor-themed Mardi Gras beads floating up in the surf for weeks after everyone had left. I’m sure a number of adorable, snuggly, endangered animals probably died horrible beer-can related deaths. They were probably otters or some equally cute, largely aquatic carnivorous mammal.

I realize it’s your God-given right to be lazy and careless for this one week per year, but please, think of the people who kinda like Bay County. It’s a damn nice area that I’m rather fond of.

— Neubauer is a Lynn Haven, Fla., senior in journalism.