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Posting the “first time” online

By Micole Aronowitz

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Women around the country have probably shared stories with friends about how they lost their virginity. But a gutsy few have taken up an effort to share their stories on a Web site specifically designed for women to discuss the subtleties of the “first time.” The Web site, Defloweredmemoirs.com, has been taking submissions from women across the country since January.

Abby Kincaid, creator and editor of the site, said the idea came about through talking with her friends about how she lost her virginity. Her original intention was to compile an anthology of other’s stories; she said the Web site started as a way to attract more submissions and give her a better chance of getting a book deal.

Kincaid said the Web site gave a fair voice to women and opened up the conversation of sexuality.

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Guidelines for submitting a story to Deflowered:

• Stories should be 1,500-2,500 words.

• Copy your story into the body of an e-mail and send it to submitmystory@defloweredmemoirs.com. Attachments will not be opened.

• Include a witty 2-3 sentence bio about yourself. Refer to stories online for examples.

• Include contact information.

• Direct all questions to abby@defloweredmemoirs.com

• If you would like your story to be published under a pen name, include that information.

• Include your blog address, if you have one. If you are chosen for publication online, Deflowered will link to that address on the Web site.

Source: http://www.defloweredmemoirs.com/submit.cfm

“I feel like there are so many mixed messages, especially for younger women, regarding sexuality,” Kincaid said. “I think this is a small way to add to the conversation and allows women to take control of their own story.”

Kincaid said these stories resonated with college-aged women because a lot of initial sexuality took place during late high school and early college years. She said it was at this time when women were coming into their own in terms of sexuality. She said it gave women a voice in situations where the protagonist was normally male.

“In movies like ‘American Pie’ and ‘Sixteen Candles,’ the guys are trying to hook up with the girls and the girls are almost like these passive objects in this experience,” Kincaid said, adding that the Web site “allows women to own the experience.”

Ryan Weaver, graduate teaching assistant in women’s studies, said that over a century ago it wasn’t OK for women to ever publicly discuss anything about their sexuality or desires. He said it was a woman’s role to remain silent, pure and submissive.

His response to the Web site was mixed.

“It is great that women have a place where they can express their stories about how they lost their virginity,” Weaver said. “I’m also conscious that we live in a society and culture where sexual liberation is often equated with sexual promiscuity. We’ve arrived in a culture where we want women to talk about their sexual escapades because now that’s seen as a form of empowerment for women.”

Weaver said the Internet had been a great tool for people to have a voice and express themselves in many different ways.

“We are now in a culture where women have access to power by being sexual,” Weaver said. “This Web site sounds like it’s an instrument to do that.”

Patty Quinlan, nursing supervisor at Watkins Memorial Health Center, said it was important for students to have an outlet to discuss sexual issues.

She said that even if students are not comfortable sharing their story with a broad audience, they should be comfortable discussing sex with their partner. She said if students were able to talk about sex with their partner, they had a solid relationship.

Kincaid said the stories on Deflowered appealed more to women than men, and that’s the way she intended it. Men were used to telling their stories, she said, and the Web site gave a chance for women to express their emotions.

“It’s about trying to look at an experience as something that, although it can be kind of bittersweet, it is the beginning of something that is an important part of adult life,” Kincaid said.

— — Edited by Casey Miles

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