Thursday, March 26, 2009
Pope: Hey Ryan, I just came up with a great idea for our new column. Which do you think is better: owning a pet or having a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Ryan: That’s funny, I just found this crumpled letter in our trash asking that same question.
Pope: I … I don’t know anything about that.
Ryan: But it has your handwriting all over it. “Steal this idea, burn this paper, buy: axe, raincoat, milk”.
Pope: I knew my cereal tasted weird this morning! Anyway, I think we’re perfectly qualified to preside over this case, seeing as how neither of us have a pet or a relationship.
Ryan: Actually, that’s not entirely true. I’ve met someone who qualifies as both. I’d like you to meet Shirley.
Shirley: Baaah.
Pope: I think I speak for everyone when I say “Ewe.” Let’s start by breaking down the mess each one makes. It’s safe to say that you’re all for owning pets, in which case I should have things wrapped up pretty easily. With significant others, you only have to occasionally pick up their dirty clothes, and clean their dishes, and take out their trash, and tidy their side of the bathroom, and dispose of their used pregnancy tests…
Ryan: Sounds like a lot of work. All I do is roll up the old copies of our columns that she eats and poops on, and throw them away. And I hardly ever spend money on her. Our idea of a romantic dinner is for me to walk her to Mass. so she can nibble on garbage. Are you as excited for our date tomorrow as I am, darling?
Shirley: Baaah.
Pope: But what about those things that only humans can give each other? Meaningful conversation. Words of encouragement. Sweet nothings and sappy love poetry and venereal diseases. How can you connect with someone when you have no real way of communicating with them?
Ryan: We communicate just fine. Nothing I say or do could ever result in an argument because she can’t speak English. Or speak at all, for that matter. Plus, meeting her parents is highly unlikely, and if her mother doesn’t approve of me I can just have her put down.
Pope: You know, I had planned to discuss intimacy as my trump card, but now I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.
Ryan: Suffice it to say, we give a whole new meaning to the term “heavy petting”.
Pope: I guess what we’ve learned here is that owning a pet and having a relationship are actually pretty similar. Each requires only that you follow a few basic rules: feed them, care for them, and if they try to run away chain them to a tree in the backyard.
Ryan: Love truly knows no bounds. Isn’t that right, my dear?
Shirley: You guys are idiots.
— Pope is a Kansas City senior in English. Snyder is a Leawood senior in English.
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Pope & Snyder: It’s all about maintaining a healthy relation-sheep
Is the guy in Black Snake Moan your mentor? Or am I getting two movies mixed up. In the movie she was chained in the house. If you do it in the yard a frat guy will come by and cut the chain and take her to a party.
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