Wednesday, May 6, 2009
There is a wave of exciting new faces washing over Washington, D.C. Kathleen Sebelius has officially assumed the mantle of Secretary of Health and Human Services, where she can resume her old practice of sticking it to “big insurance,” put on hold for six years while she was governor of Kansas. Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) has emerged from his cocoon and become Sen. Arlen Specter (D-Pa.); and I’m pretty sure that, before July, the Nationals are going to call up this pitcher I went to high school with whom they drafted last year sometime before July.
But the most exciting is a position that has yet to be filled. After 18 years on the Supreme Court, Justice David Souter has announced his retirement. As he is presumably not pulling a Brett Favre and simply doing this to get a new contract (and probably doesn’t want to play for the Jets), President Obama must now find a replacement for Justice Souter.
And that is where I come in.
Obama has stated that he’d like Souter’s successor to have a “sharp, independent mind and a record of excellence and integrity.” Though I have none of those qualities, I would still make an excellent Justice. I spent a summer interning for the Kansas Supreme Court, where I was constantly in a room down the hall from important judicial deliberations, so clearly I wouldn’t be going in cold.
I’m also completely partial on several important issues, easily bribed (seriously, you could just bake me cookies), and unfamiliar with most landmark decisions that do not have a museum dedicated to them.
“But Ben,” you may ask, “doesn’t that mean you are totally unqualified?” Pish posh, I say. Supreme Court justices are always held to certain standards, and really, what fun have they been? When was the last time Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaked an important decision over Twitter, or Stephen Breyer guest-judged on “Iron Chef America”?
As a member of the Supreme Court, I promise that I would bring a new style to the interpretation of the law. My first priority when reviewing precedent would be to find out what sort of mood previous justices were in. Did somebody cut them off in traffic that day? Had they just bet on the wrong team in the ALCS? Mindset should always be a factor. Also, I would immediately force the return of powdered wigs. I think most of my esteemed colleagues would support this measure, except maybe that pretty boy of a Chief Justice, John Roberts.
I guess my point is that I would bring a fresh new perspective to the Supreme Court. It may not meet traditional standards of “professionalism” or “thoughtfulness”, but it would be entertaining. Obama, Because I assume you’re reading this, take note: Justice Cohen equals a better Supreme Court.
— Cohen is a Topeka junior in political science.
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