Neubauer: It’s time to flee the swine

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Last week I was transfixed by the 24-hour news networks as I watched the classic 1995 film “Outbreak” playing itself out in real life. In the movie, Dustin Hoffman races to help contain the outbreak of a horrible airborne disease (the deadly Motaba Virus) in Cedar Creek, Calif., before the evil Gen. McClintock (Donald Sutherland) has his way and blows the town to smithereens.

The parallels between “Outbreak” and the recent outbreak of H1N1 are staggering. They both involve airborne diseases. Staggering. People died in both. More staggering. And I would be willing to bet that somewhere Sutherland is wringing his hands, thinking about blowing up large portions of California.

This week, fears have begun to subside as the CDC has announced that H1N1 is probably no worse than the average flu and is sensitive to the prescription antiviral Tamiflu.

To this, I cry “Shenanigans!” This is, without hyperbole, the worst thing to happen to the world, ever. We all probably have swine flu right now and don’t even realize it. The disease has probably become self-aware and begun waging guerilla war in Chihuahua, Mexico.

The government seems content to play it cool. I’m surprised that Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano wasn’t wearing a jean jacket and shades when she announced that we should be “cautiously optimistic” about the disease. Cautiously optimistic? What does that even mean? Neville Chamberlain was “cautiously optimistic” that Hitler would mind his own beeswax, and that started WWII!

Despite what the government and well-qualified experts say, I, as an ill-informed 21-year-old, say that this is prime time for a good old-fashioned, running-down-the-streets-screaming-and-robbing-pharmacies-grade mad panic. CNN, it seems, is content to agree with me. As I write this, Wolf Blitzer and his horrible beard are monotonally stoking my fears by bringing in live shots of every pig in the world with the sniffles.

So it is with this one final thought that I close out my final column of the year: Kiss your children goodbye and return your beloved pets to the wild because soon you will be hacking up your innards. Swine flu is clearly the beginning of Armageddon, and certainly not a stupid publicity stunt by cable news.

Goodnight, everybody!

— Neubauer is a Lynn Haven, Fla., senior in journalism.

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