When sophomore Bobby Weiss finally returned to the University after his mother’s death earlier this semester, he knew he was behind in his classes.

Bobby had only recently moved to Lawrence as a new transfer student but he didn’t want to let his mother’s death prevent him from getting the “college experience” that she had so adamantly urged he pursue.

“He was really ready to go back because he had worked so hard to get there,“ said Zac Weiss, Bobby’s older brother. “But, there were obviously academic pressures and just the pressure to get caught up and back in the swing of things.”

He was worried about his classes, so he dropped his course load to the minimum for full-time status and switched one class to an online section so he could get caught up at his own speed.

“Bobby was very intelligent and was handling it well,” Zac said. “The last time we spoke he was telling me he was pretty much caught up.”

But on Oct. 11, less than six weeks after returning to Lawrence, Bobby took his own life.

“I really think dealing with his grief was the main factor,” Zac said. “But, I think there were other factors as well.”

Bobby was among the 30 percent of college students who have suffered the death of a loved one in the past 12 months, according to research. That same research suggests 39 percent have experienced similar situations during the last 24 months.

David E. Balk, a former professor at Kansas State University who has received grants from the National Institute of Mental Health to study the topic, has conducted extensive research about how college students deal with family deaths. In his 2008 study, Balk said it was important for college faculty to reach out to grieving students and assess their needs. He said two of the greatest services these colleges can offer are a willingness to allow late make-up work and incomplete grades, as well as a specific location on campus that is readily recognized as a place for support.

Seeking Help

Mary Ann Rasnak, director of the Academic Achievement and Access Center, is one of the University officials who work with grieving students during their time of difficulty.

“If they need assistance we can help with anything from communicating with professors, discussing academic options, seeking counseling or any other type of unique need the student may have,” Rasnak said.

Rasnak said that when her department learned about a student who was experiencing a death, they offered their condolences and informed the student of the different ways the University could help. If the student requests assistance, the department also sends an e-mail to all the student’s professors informing them of the situation and encouraging active communication with the student as they try to return to classes.

Rasnak said many grieving students missed class to attend services or spend time with family. Rasnak said it was common for a student to miss between 7 and 10 days of class if they have a death in their immediate family, but it was impossible to predict exactly how students would respond.

“Some people say ‘Back away from me, I have to deal with this myself,’” Rasnak said. “But some people want to be consoled by others and enveloped in emotional support. And then some people are in between.”

Rasnak said the students themselves may not always seek out the assistance they needed, so she urged family members, friends, professors and other University officials who know of a student dealing with the death of a loved one to report it to her department.

“The only way we know something like this has happened is if someone tells us,” Rasnak said.

Coping

In his quest to get back in the swing of things, Bobby worked with the Academic Achievement and Access Center to improve communication with his professors. His family said he also received moral support from the Counselors at the Center for Counseling and Psychological Services, or CAPS.

Zac said the family was thankful for the valuable University support but he thought society as a whole misunderstood college students’ grief and the pressures they faced.

“The community in general doesn’t seem to be prepared to do anything about these issues until it’s too late,” Zac said.

Members of the family said there were a few things, however, they thought the University could do to help grieving students. Zac said he thought one valuable service the University could offer grieving students would be a support group that allowed them to talk easily about their feelings. Another thing he thought would help spread awareness of these issues would be an annual event that remembered students who lost their life due to issues with grief and depression.

“Some kids are strong enough to deal with it,” Zac said. “But some can’t.“

Reaching Out

One of the services many grieving students pursue, Rasnak said, was the emotional support and psychological services offered at CAPS.

Dr. John Wade, a licensed psychologist and CAPS outreach coordinator, said grieving college students experience unique stressors when dealing with grief issues. College students may have a hard time talking about their problems and may be experiencing academic pressures, all of which can be compounded if they are far from home, he said.

“College is a time of greater life uncertainty than almost any other time of a person’s life,” Wade said. “But some of the aspects of the grief experience are very universal.”

One way counselors help grieving students is by reminding them that they are not the only ones going through a loss and that grief is a very normal thing. He said they encouraged them to talk about their feelings with people they trust.

“Social support is shown to be a very key component to coping,” Wade said.

Wade said students had shown interest in grief support groups in the past, and as recently as five years ago CAPS offered a regular group meeting for these types of students.

“It can be very awkward and uncomfortable to talk about death,” Wade said. “So I do think this type of support can be beneficial to students.”

Wade said students had responded positively to these groups in the past, but said it was very difficult to get enough interested students to agree on a time to meet regularly.

“We really do try to be responsive to student needs, so if there is enough student interest in something like this we’d be happy to help organize one of these groups again.”

Group Support

David Fajgenbaum co-founded a national support network for grieving students in 2006 after his mother died while he was a student at Georgetown University. He said the group’s goal was to raise awareness of student grief issues and help colleges hold grief support sessions.

“In my case, I literally thought I was the only person on campus going through what I was going through,” Fajgenbaum said. “Which I now know is never the case.”

AMF, or Ailing Mothers and Fathers, has 26 official chapters at colleges across the country and 21 more in development. Since it was founded, the group has had students from more than 126 colleges request to add chapters. AMF provides support for students dealing with grief or parents who are terminally ill.

“College is all about the best years of your life. Going to parties, having fun and not worry about anything,” Fajgenbaum said. “So when these types of issues do hit you it is tough to deal with and talk about.”

Each chapter of AMF meets regularly for peer-led support group sessions and hosts special service events to raise awareness on a number of issues such as cancer and other health and wellness issues. Fajgenbaum said he thought group sessions were important for students because it was especially difficult to share sad news on a college campus.

“It really helps to know that there are others on campus going through the same thing and that you can talk to them about it.” Fajgenbaum said.

Fajgenbaum said though the University of Kansas does not have a chapter of AMF, he studied the ways that colleges responded to student grief for a thesis paper and thought that the University’s policy on the issue was noteworthy.

“It’s actually pretty amazing that they do reach out to these students in the way that they do,” Fajgenbaum said. “On most college campuses there is no formal procedure to reach out to grieving students.”

Additional Pressure

Bobby’s family said they wished the University could help students take an extended break from class, but they acknowledged there were a number of consequences that could arise from dropping below the minimum enrollment for full-time status.

“I think they should say ‘don’t worry about your classes right now, you can take them up next semester at no extra charge,’” Zac said. “They should be able to help these students take some time off but still graduate in a timely manner.”

For students who aren’t forced to remain at full-time status for a variety of reasons, there are options.

Daniel Novin, Overland Park senior, lost his father to cancer in November 2008. Novin said he missed a lot of school in the last few weeks of his father’s life, and by the time he returned to class he had accumulated too many absences to reasonably pass some of his courses.

“I decided to drop from all my classes but one,” Novin said. “And luckily that one was pretty easy for me to catch up on and everything.”

Novin said the bursar’s office helped him receive a full refund on the classes he could not complete because of absences despite the fact that it was past the deadline to withdraw. The University works with grieving students regarding tuition reimbursement on a case-by-case basis.

“I had to speak with a few people on the phone but it was a very easy process,” Novin said. “I had my money back in like a month.”

Novin said he has never regretted his course of action, even though it will likely delay his graduation. Instead he said he believed his lighter course load helped him return to his everyday life.

— Edited by Alicia Banister