Thursday, November 5, 2009
Q: My boyfriend rarely gives me oral sex, and when he does it is terrible. What do I have to say to him if I want him to get better?
A: The problem you face is the most common thing I get asked about on the radio show. The ability to verbalize our sexual wants and desires is not easy for most people. But as with most things, with a little careful consideration (and practice!), it can be done.
The first thing I would do is look into his background. A fair amount of people grow up viewing oral sex as dirty or bad sex, and therefore see it as something to be avoided. If this is true you should talk to him about this.
Second, it might be that he is very nervous about his oral-sex abilities. Very few males feel confident about their ability when it comes to oral sex. Besides just plain selfishness, these two reasons could be at the heart of why he doesn’t want to engage in oral sex.
When it comes to his oral-sex abilities, don’t stay silent, but be careful about the words you choose. Don’t ever feel the need to remain silent; your sexual satisfactions should not be kept a secret. Remember, the key when talking about sex is to never use comparative language. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my research, it’s that people fear and hate being compared to past lovers — especially in the sexual arena. The key is not to say, “Well, my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend did this, so you need to do this, too.” This will lead to an argument and a distancing in your romantic relationship.
Don’t attack or be defensive, and don’t give orders. Simply encourage. Be careful with your use of the word “different” in any conversation about sex. Don’t start sentences with “you.” Start sentences with “I.” For example, say, “I really like when you do ‘x,’” not, “You aren’t doing ‘x’ right.”
Focus on the positives. If your boyfriend isn’t doing something the way you want him to, first praise what he is doing right, then stress it would be even better if he did something else. Use this phrase, “Honey, I just love when you give me oral sex, but I love it even more when you do it like this.
Phrase all your suggestions in a positive light and don’t venture off course. And when he finally starts to do it right give him lots of positive verbal and nonverbal feedback. Let him know that you love it. Any positive encouragement your boyfriend gets will make him want to do it more. Throw in some four-letter words and he will remember that spot forever. The more he thinks he is pleasing you the more comfortable and willing he will be with oral sex.
If after all of this you find yourself still having problems, I recommend actually physically showing your boyfriend your erogenous zones. The next time he’s in a good position to look, show him what turns you on.
I don’t agree with dumping someone if they are bad at sex. I do, however, agree with dumping someone who is unwilling to learn or get better at sex. Best of luck, and here’s to happy orgasms.
If you have a question you’d like answered in the Kansas in Heat print edition, please e-mail it to kansasinheat@yahoo.com.
Mike Anderson, Dellwood, Minn., graduate student, is the host of Kansas in Heat, a talk show about sex and relationships that airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on KJHK, 90.7fm and at kjhk.org.
The opinions of this columnist do not necessarily reflect the views of Jayplay. Kansas in Heat is not to be considered as a substitute for professional help.
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