Thursday, November 19, 2009
Thanksgiving is next week, and if you’re like me, you can’t wait to commemorate the Pilgrims’ great feast by eating until you wish you had never even heard of food. But there is more to the holiday than festive engorgement.
Many people wonder about the origin of the name “Thanksgiving.” As an esteemed language scholar, I have done much research on the matter and have ascertained that it comes from a combination of the English “thanks” and the English “giving,” meaning “to give thanks.”
Indeed, the Pilgrims had much to be thankful for, such as the new atmosphere of total religious tolerance and their entirely peaceful co-existence with the natives. (In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that I have not taken a history class since kindergarten.) And it is tradition for us to consider what we’re thankful for this time each year.
In this economy, however, we can’t afford to be thankful. For example, I could think about how thankful I am that I can still use the phrase “in this economy” to instantly make whatever I say seem weighty and insightful, but what would that accomplish? In the time I took to think that thought of thanks, I could have thought 20 thinks about how to make more money.
All this is why we need to take advantage of the other great Thanksgiving tradition: the wishbone. Yes, we all say we’re thankful as we’re sitting around the dinner table, but the entire time we have one eye on the magical fused clavicle that has the power to make our wildest dreams come true. We know that if we can get our mitts on that thing and snap it in our favor, all our problems could be solved. World peace, true love or even a functional private jet made entirely of bacon is just one bone fragment away.
Now, I’m not a superstitious man. Sure, I may continue to blame my misfortunes on a mirror I broke when I was 9, and I may be on PETA’s most-hated list for my mass acquisition of rabbit’s feet. And yes, I may have even had a witch doctor place a curse my seventh-grade English teacher after she gave me a B- on a paper. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a man of science. And based on what I choose to believe is scientific, wishbones indeed work.
What I propose is a panacea for all the problems facing America. Unemployment, health care and even Jay Leno could all be solved by saving all the wishbones this Thanksgiving and donating them to the Alex Nichols Wishbone Redistribution Foundation. I will collect these wishbones and give them to those who need them most, which may or may not include myself.
Before you charge me with being a socialist, I should remind you of the competitive aspect of this plan. We won’t be simply donating the largest part of each wishbone to the needy. We’ll pit the needy against each other – the American way. An unemployed, single mother will compete against a college kid with two broken legs and no health insurance to see whose wish gets granted. I’m already in talks with FOX to air it in prime time.
So when you sit down for dinner next week, don’t waste that wishbone’s power on a new video game or the resurrection of your beloved family pet. Donate them to me. Together we can give America something to really be thankful for.
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