Wednesday, October 28, 2009
“This is my gay/black/Muslim/what-have-you friend.” How often have you heard someone introduce you or another person in that way, or have you said it yourself?
Have you ever thought, “Why did they introduce him or her that way? Why is them being gay/black/Muslim/what-have-you necessary for an introduction?”
Here’s the plain and simple answer: It doesn’t and it shouldn’t be. We all know what labels are, and we use them every day to describe ourselves and everything around us. But there is a time and place for using them, and introducing people to each other is definitely not the time for personal labels. It’s likely you don’t know all of one person’s beliefs or ideas about other races, classes or sexual orientations, and it’s very possible to offend one or both people by introducing them based on a socialized category.
I’ve found this to be of particular concern when it comes to my friends and them introducing me to others. More often than not, I’ve learned that the first thing people know about me is my sexual orientation, but not because I told them. Yes, I am out and proud about it, but my sexual orientation is my own, and it is my choice to reveal that to people. More people than I am aware of probably know my sexual orientation because of this column, but that’s because I choose to be out in my column. My choice. My voice.
Why does it matter that someone else describes me to their friends as a lesbian? Why does it matter that someone I don’t know tells me, “Oh! You’re his lesbian friend”? It’s still a matter of coming out and social propriety. Just because it’s becoming more okay to be LGBT in our society doesn’t mean everyone wants to know about it.
When we introduce someone with a label we identify them with certain characteristics we have learned through society, and sometimes, this has a negative response. People judge through labels, and on plenty of occasions, I’ve found myself judged before a person gets to know me because an ignorant friend told someone I was gay. Although that person was once friendly to me, they reject me from then on.
I understand that it shouldn’t matter what other people think, but it does, especially in the work place where sexual orientation is not protected under federal law. I could get fired from many places in Kansas for being out, so it does matter what someone thinks.
What should matter to all of us is respecting a person’s private life. My sexual orientation is my private life. I do not believe the first thing a person I’ve never met before needs to know is who I sleep with. It’s an invasion of privacy for both of us. I don’t introduce my friends as “this is my white/black, heterosexual/homosexual, fraternity/sorority friend,” because those are details a new acquaintance can find out about them if they get to talking.
So next time you’re introducing someone, think before you speak. You’ll save yourself a foot-in-the-mouth and a hurt friend.
— Bornstein is a Lawrence senior in sociology and women’s studies.
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Comments
Bornstein: Labels often cause unnecessary harm
I agree with you, Lauren. Labels can be incredibly offensive. It is just so belittling and humiliating to pigeon-hole people and to reduce them to one aspect of their identity--often their perceived flaws or shortcomings as seen through the eyes of prejudice--especially when we're talking stranger-to- stranger interactions. Identity politics(which I have reservations about) do at least rely on SELF-identification. It is morally questionable as well as being a violation of civil rights law to speak for other people and to regard or treat them as belonging to a particular protected class. People in the midwest often seem to lack the sophistication of those on the coasts when it comes to rejecting labels as a shorthand code for what other people are about. Here they are usually too quick to embrace and rely on cliches and stereotypes or other shortcuts: anything to avoid having to use the old noggin or thoughtfully reflect. The new hate-crime law sure is great news for the equal rights community.
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