Ho: Social cue ignorance offensive

By Josie Ho

Thursday, October 29, 2009

When you travel or study abroad, you usually adapt to the local culture and social norms. It is important, however, to be smart and flexible when adjusting yourself to social cues. Failing to do this may lead to social embarrassment or even worse.

In Asian societies, people seldom greet friends and relatives with much physical contact. Asians generally think of Westerners as being more socially passionate and enthusiastic as hugs and kissing are common greeting behaviors.

Social rituals can sometimes be offensive if used in inappropriate social contexts. Some people even take advantage of others under the guise of cultural differences.

I’m bad at saying no because I don’t want to turn down anyone and put that person in an awkward situation. However, my “too nice” personality often gets me into trouble.

For example, during my freshman year I got to know a middle-aged man on campus. One day he approached me and started talking. We ran into each other almost every day but didn’t talk to one another until then. He asked for my phone number and said he would call to see if I wanted to go out for ice cream.

Despite my reluctance, I gave him my number. He called me several times, but I didn’t answer and naively thought our story had come to an end. I was wrong.

I ran into him again last year, and before I realized it was him, it was too late to turn around. His sparkling eyes scared me. We talked for awhile, and he asked why I never answered his calls.

When it was time to leave, he said, “It was so nice to see you again, and I want to kiss you on your cheeks to show my happiness.”

I was too stunned to react. I let him kiss me and I felt discomforted for days.

When I told one of my American friends about it, she was shocked.

“I didn’t push him away because I thought this is a Western way to greet as I saw on movies, and it seemed rude to refuse,” I explained.

“No, Josie. It’s not. We only do this with our boyfriends or girlfriends and relatives. You should have said, ‘No, I’m not interested,’” she said. “If he keeps harassing you, you should call the police.”

Having been living in the states for three years, I’m open to the American lifestyle and culture. I’m comfortable to hug my good friends as long as we show amiability and respect to one another. Mutual consent is very important.

To those who are overly enthusiastic: Figure out if the other person has a different cultural background before you show your affection. To those who are too nice: Learn to protect yourself.

— Ho is a Macau, China, junior in journalism.

Comments

Denver (anonymous) says...

A way dumb and offensive cultural norm in backward places of the lower midwest and southern U.S. is to approach complete strangers on the basis of what amounts to patronizing biases and profiling bigotry and to ask the mindless question"Need help.?" Please consider how you might feel to have a complete stranger approach YOU with such a forward, presumptuous and self-flattering attitude.("I'm concerned about you: you look promiscuous. Have you been checked for STDS lately?") It is way dumb and offensive to believe most people need help crossing the street or that they would allow a stranger to handle their bags or molest their person. To behave like this is to interfere with other people's reasonable right to feel safe and to have their personal boundaries and dignity respected in public.You are treating people differently in an illegal way and interfering with their equal education and employment rights. There is a new hate-crime law in effect addressing this form of harassment, so please don't approach strangers and get up in their private business on the basis of offensive sterotypes--it's a privacy and civil rights violation. It represents very questionable judgment, and it's also why places like Lawrence and Columbia are treated like laughingstocks and viewed as hick enclaves.

October 29, 2009 at 12:55 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

pantheon (anonymous) says...

Well, call me a bumpkin if you like, but my mama taught me to help anyone else who looks like they might need help. I guess you big city folk just don't have hearts. Like for instance, if Ms. Ho was being harassed by a feller like she says, a good ole southern boy should feel obliged to ask her if she'd like him to intervene. Or if a nice old lady is struggling to get her groceries to her car, offering to carry some is commendable. But like I said, if you don't have a heart, you don't have a heart. I suppose it's just one more disability.

October 29, 2009 at 2:23 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

Denver (anonymous) says...

Get a clue, pantheon. The cultural norm I describe above ranks among the cruelest forms of kindness to which anyone could ever hope to be subjected. Thinking people recognize the difference between appearance and reality: "Looking like" is not the same as "being" something. You should not make this judgment about a stranger. Most people today don't like being messed with by strangers in public--it scares them. It's just not smart to trust jerks who would try insinuating themselves into others' lives so offensively--might be a thug or a mugger.

Discrimination means treating people differently. Per civil rights law it's illegal to regard or treat people as having a disability--it creates an uneven playing field-- especially harassing when we are talking about approaching complete strangers with this officious attitude. If you are bothering someone who might not require accomodations to work or study than this behavior could represent an especially cruel privacy violation--everyone deserves to work and study at their level of ability --to develop their potential and to use their talents. Clumsy people like you interfere with this right. Every human quality exists on a spectrum: sometimes these qualities are more perceived than real. It represents a sick joke to any self-respecting feminist that your mother taught yourself to see yourself as a gentleman for messing with anyone's valued independence--especially someone you don't know from Eve. You may be disrespectfully treating people as if they are dependent or have concerning flaws and thus making life more difficult for a complete stranger by assigning them an unfair and insulting "helpee" role. Impossibility thinking is rarely appreciated,no?. Stop acting as if strangers owe you thanks for ruining their day.Your freedom ends where my nose begins: you have no right to interfere with me based on disrespectful prejudice.

Do you flatter yourself you have an big heart and that you are helpful and moral based on a one-sided, culturallly imperialist perspective-- the way you presumptuously get up in others' business like a dog conditioned by Pavlov? It's great you aspire to such accolades, but you'll not earn them by terrorizing strangers. Bottom-line, it's disrespectful to judge strangers by one-dimensional stereotypes. This genocidal attack on intelligent life in the universe is probably covered by the new hate-crime laws. A big difference exists between pity and compassion and true caring---but maybe your momma didn't teach you that. Pantheon, please don't call people names either or make such offensive assumptions about others in real life or on these posts. Brawn and ignorance on the basis of dumb ways of living tries to privilege itself over brains and feeling wisdom, huh? Not actually from a big city, but have lived in many, all more sane and humane and with bigger, more understanding hearts than Lawrence has.

October 29, 2009 at 7:46 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

Denver (anonymous) says...

In a nutshell, pantheon(Do you see yourself as god(s) or what?)when someone tells you what you defiine as "help" feels like harassment and bigotry to them you should respect this. It is simply not acceptable to patronize people and interfere with their equal educational and employment rights in a self-respecting University town. You are in college now, so please learn to treat all people equally and like human beings.Leave strangers alone: spare them the ignorant prejudices your momma taught you. Many p people think I almost shine with kind-heartedness, but I'm certainly not saintly enough to tolerate being ambushed and terrorized by complete busybody strangers in public.

October 29, 2009 at 8:04 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

pantheon (anonymous) says...

1) My user-name is a quasi-portmanteau of my first name.
2) You are clearly not aware of the Whaley family motto: You can't tell me what to do
3) I'm just messing with you, gimpy. Your arguments are pretty awful, and I just like to rile you up like a bunny rabbit teasing a scorpion. In this simile, I am the bunny rabbit, and you are the scorpion. I am adorable and soft, and you are disgusting and filled with venom.

November 2, 2009 at 11:13 p.m. ( | suggest removal )

andrealp (anonymous) says...

Oh, BURN. Pantheon is my favorite. I'm pretty sure a fan club is in order.

November 3, 2009 at 9:51 a.m. ( | suggest removal )

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