Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Last week, I decided to “surf the Web” to find out what the “kids” think is “hip” these “days.”
Naturally, the first Web “site” I visited was CNN.com. There I found an article proclaiming “the dorm is the new garage.”
At first I thought they meant it was finally cool to fill your college living space with power tools you never intend on actually using.
No, the real trend that is supposedly emerging on college campuses is the start-up business.
The CNN.com article tells the tales of a number of college students who came up with their own companies, including a pair of youths who invented foldable shoes for when high heels become too painful.
I was outraged. How could CNN not interview me for this story?
After all, in addition to being a semi-professional newspaper columnist and self-trained self-help guru, I also happen to be the owner and operator of several fine small businesses right here on campus.
All of my businesses provide top-notch goods and indispensable services, all at bargain prices.
But since CNN apparently thinks it’s more important to cover the story of students who came up with their ONE idea by, for some inexplicable reason, wearing high heel shoes to and from class, I must take it upon myself to bring the story of my innovative work to the masses.
Here are just a few of my industrious exploits. Tell your friends.
TimeDrains: For students too lazy to do the reading, there’s SparkNotes. For students too lazy to read the SparkNotes, there’s TimeDrains!
TimeDrains.edu is a vast library of questions you can ask your professor that are guaranteed to get him or her babbling spiritedly until class is over and you can no longer be held accountable for not doing the work.
The questions cover a broad range of topics, from biology (“What’s the big deal about evolution, anyway?”) to English (“What did James Joyce mean by [insert any James Joyce quote here]”?).
The professor will relish the opportunity to wax poetic about a beloved subject matter, and you’ll relish never having to do homework again.
ZooU: One of the biggest concerns for incoming college freshmen is where they can keep their dangerous exotic pets.
Most residence halls have a strict policy against students housing even the meekest of komodo dragons in their rooms. ZooU provides your possibly illegal animal companion all the comfort of home with its expansive secret habitats located directly underneath dorms all across the country.
Have peace of mind knowing that your white Siberian tiger is nearby and safely out of the sight of your RA.
Invective Inc.: Engaging in political flame wars online has begun to take up more and more time for the socially engaged youths of today. Now there’s barely enough time to be rude and condescending to people in real life!
At Invective Inc., our call centers are filled with employees ready to post in all caps under your screen name at sites such as Kansan.com.
All that time once spent typing “OBAMA IS A FASCIST SOCIALIST KENYAN” or “SARAH PALIN IS DUMBER THAN A BOX OF POOP” can now be spent loudly disrupting town halls or writing protest songs for the acoustic guitar.tory>
— — Nichols is a Stilwell junior in creative writing.
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