Professor: I wish you all could see Robert Downey, Jr., dying, it is sensational and sexy.

—

Girl 1: I wish my boobs weren’t big. Life would be so much better. Yours are pretty big, too.

Girl 2: Yeah, I enjoy mine just fine.

—

Girl: Yeah, my weekend was pretty crazy.

Guy: Why?

Girl (laughing): My boyfriend kidnapped me and threw me in his trunk.

—

Girl 1: Yeah, and this guy was like eight feet tall and from overseas ...

Girl 2: Wow, he must have a long ... way to travel back home.

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Guy 1: This professor is a huge cheese-dick.

Guy 2: Yeah, he is the kind of guy who has sex with his socks on.

—

Professor (addressing the class): I hate 3 p.m. classes. I am not drunk yet.

—

Guy 1: Yeah, basically, cheese is the foundation of our existence.

Guy 2: I would agree. I mean, it makes the world go round.

Guy 1: I mean, what would life be like without the Cheez-It?

Guy 2: Pointless and boring.

—

Girl 1: So, I woke up in a random car and my phone and purse was gone.

Girl 2: Oh my god, that sucks.

Girl 1: Yeah, and the worst part is that I woke up with my bare ass in the air and people were walking by going to class.