Wednesday, April 7, 2010
In China, it would seem way too early for someone of my age to talk about marriage. However, I'm in America, a country that is accustomed to early marriage.
Recently, people in my hometown were shocked to learn that several purported affairs between famous Hong Kong artists were true. The artists admitted during press conferences that they had secretly married. One couple disclosed they are now in the process of ending their four-year marriage.
Reader poll
What's your take on marriage?
- I'm already married 18% 10 votes
- I'll get married when I find the right person 45% 24 votes
- I'll probably get married someday 13% 7 votes
- I'm not sure if I'll ever get married 11% 6 votes
- Marriage isn't for me 11% 6 votes
53 total votes.
The artists defended that they kept their relationships secret to protect their careers and the divorcing couple claimed it was an amicable split. Aside from that, not much detail was provided.
Part of the controversy surrounding these recent revelations was just how out of place seemingly compulsive marriages are in China. To me, it was no surprise that in America, where quick Las Vegas-style weddings are not only heard of, but often glamorized, divorce is so common. It stands to reason that reckless marriages should dies out as quickly as they first emerge.
According to the Americans for Divorce Reform estimation, 40 to 50 percent of marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. By comparison, the 33.8 percent divorce rate in Hong Kong is relatively optimistic. And, even then, Hong Kong’s rate is at an all-time high, as people are more open to western ideas and the concept of gender relations has possibly distorted.
Experts explain that a main reason of the high break-up rate in the U.S. is the individual freedom Americans so love to pursue. If love and family cannot bring people happiness and safety, some may reason that divorce is their only choice. It seems to me that children and family members are not often taken into consideration in this self-centered objective.
On the contrary, China is a nation that stresses family ties and family responsibility. To many of us, the belief that "marriage is a matter of only two people" doesn't always apply. Instead, we realize that more people are influenced and affected by the success or failure of a relationship than the two.
Despite the cultural differences, the ever-changing social climate and the concept of relationships play a role in the maintenance of a marriage. Consider new obstacles to today’s relationships: Economically independent women feel more confident of their abilities to support themselves. Long working hours threaten the ability to spend time with significant others. Add to that childlessness, separate bank accounts and threats of infidelity, and it is easy to see just how challenging any relationship can be.
Generations of our past have frowned on divorce, but this generation seems to embrace it. This comes at seems to be merely paper.
However, the developments are not only for the worst. Could it be that people aren’t losing faith in love, but rather we are just becoming more open-minded toward gender relations?
To some, divorce doesn't mean a loss of faith in love. Instead it just gives them a new hope for marriages of higher quality.
To me, marriage is a solemn decision for two people to enter another critical life stage together. Along with the ring, responsibilities are also slipped onto the hand. Although the mutual ties will be gone after the signature on the divorce agreement, a permanent scar will never be washed away.
So, think precisely before making any life-changing promises to your beloved; otherwise, a what may now seems to be a rosy romance could turn out to be a heart-breaker.
— Ho is a junior from Macau, China, in journalism.
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Comments
Ho: Is the concept of marriage distorted?
I have participated, as an attorney, in well over 250 divorces. Some time back, I recognized the harm done to children when their parents get divorced, and stopped handling divorces with minor children, except in extraordinary circumstances (e.g., severe abuse or substance abuse in front of children). Since making that decision, I have advised hundreds of people that I would not handle their divorces, and have convinced a number of them to give their marriage another try.
As a result, I have had ample opportunity to observe why couples divorce.
I would first note that a recent study found that women file in excess of 2/3 of all divorces in the U.S. In my experience, it is even higher than that. This is seldom the result of adultery or abuse. It is usually: "I don't love him any more;" "He doesn't do what I want him to do;" "We fight all the time, because he doesn't make enough money;" "He doesn't help around the house" (or "When he helps around the house, he doesn't do it the way I want); "He should know what I want without me having to tell him."
Too many women get their ideas of what marriage should be from "women's" TV shows and movies, and from romance novels.
When such a woman's life and husband do not measure up to what is portrayed in the mentioned media, she becomes convinced, often with the help of friends, that it is because she married the wrong man. Since her feelings and needs are paramount, the obvious solution is divorce.
If the couple has no children, I have no problem with this. It is their lives. However, whether a child is raised in a 1 or 2 parent home is the single biggest factor in predicting whether a child will complete school, become a delinquent, become a teenage parent, use illegal drugs, etc. In other words maintaining an intact home is the single greatest thing a couple can do to assist their child's future success. Prior generations of Americans recognized this and put their obligations as a parent ahead of their own short term satisfaction. Unfortunately, the U.S. began a trend away from this in the 1970's. We have seen the results over the last 40 years.
I do not intend to give men a pass, but men are far less likely to have developed such unrealistic expectations of marriage and far more likely to just live with unfulfilled expectations than to seek a divorce.
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