GIRL: Last weekend I was driving with my cat in the car when he started making that horrible ‘meow I’m-going-to-puke’ noise and he barfed in the back seat.

GUY: What did you do?

GIRL: The smell was so bad I pulled over and puked on the side of the road.

GIRL: Aren’t there, like, 1,500 feet in a mile?

GIRL 1: I just got so many dirty looks from girls walking over here.

GIRL 2: Girl, I experience that on a daily basis. They’re just jealous of how hot we are.

GIRL: Is it weird that I think Justin Bieber is sexy?

GIRL: In order to figure out the Rubik’s Cube, you must be on cocaine.

GIRL: I got bitten by a squirrel and now I think I have rabies.

GUY: Oh yeah, uh huh.

GUY: What’s pamplemousse? It sounds like something you’d put in your hair.

GIRL: It’s a French grapefruit.

GUY 1: It smells like dog food in here.

GUY 2: I think it’s just your breath.

GUY: Look at the quilt my aunt made me!

GIRL: I love that you get excited about quilts.

GUY 1: I got nutted on by a fish today.

GUY 2: Getting some action!

GUY 1: Yeah, I was taking the hook out and white stuff started coming out; it flapped its tail and gave me a facial, too.

GIRL 1: Well, it has definitely dropped below 65 degrees.

GIRL 2: How can you tell?

GIRL 1: My nipples are like thermometers.

GUY: I just saw up the drag queen’s skirt.

GIRL: And?

GUY: You don’t want to know.

GIRL: There are few joys in my life like riding down 14th Street.

Have you overheard any Wescoe witticisms? Send ’em to us at jayplay10@gmail.com.