Introduction | Kate's story | Jessica's story | Amanda's story | Jane's story | Closing

Contrary to popular belief, most rapists are not strangers who jump out of bushes. According to the Department of Justice’s National Crime Victimization Study, about 73 percent of victims knew their attackers before the assault. Rapists can be dates, boyfriends, friends, marital partners or family members. Such relationships can complicate and delay a victim’s decision to report. For victims such as Jessica, mutual friendships can dissuade them from reporting their rapes to police at all.

Jessica, an Overland Park senior, was sexually assaulted last semester by her friend Dan. She was out at a bar with friends and Dan offered her a ride home. When they arrived at her house, he claimed he was too drunk to drive himself home. Drinking blurred her memory of the event, but she does know he didn’t succeed in raping her. At the time of the assault, she was having her period and using a tampon. She woke up with it still inside her. But she remembers him holding her body down on the bed for 20 to 30 minutes, groping her, repeatedly assuring her they were just “fooling around.” She felt powerless against his tight grasp of her wrists.

“All I can remember saying was, ‘What are you doing? Why are you doing this to me? You’re supposed to be my friend,’” she said.

The next morning, when she woke up, he was gone. She began vomiting, and couldn’t stop. After two scalding hot showers, she took still another. No amount of scrubbing could cleanse her of the dirty feeling that overpowered her. She decided no one should know about her humiliating experience.

“I felt completely isolated in my own feelings,” she said. “I felt unlovable.”

Eventually, Jessica found the courage to tell a mutual friend who knew her attacker. The friend approached Dan about the assault, but he denied responsibility, claiming Jessica had seduced him. He said she had put his hands up her dress and asked him to come over. Jessica said she knows these are lies, but they are lies that, in her weaker moments, even she is tempted to believe.

“Things he said made me question myself, but in my heart of hearts I know I didn’t do anything wrong,” she said.

Jessica never reported the assault, opting to try and forget. But four months later, she finds herself crying and remembering the attack regularly. She still lives with fear that he will tell even more mutual friends and blame her.

“We have other friends who don’t know about it,” she said. “I label myself as broken and damaged, and it’s hard to get past that.”

McKay, former assistant director of the women’s resource center, said many victims were reluctant to classify what happened as rape because their experiences broke the mold of the “classic rape scenario.” She said because many victims know their attacker, they are conflicted and even feel some responsibility for protecting that person.

“They think, ‘I don’t want to see what happens to people on “Law and Order: SVU” happen to this guy.’ There’s so much inherent shame in it,” she said.

Even if a victim reports the assault, dealing with a nine-month investigation and no guarantee of resolution is a daunting risk for many survivors. She said many choose to handle it personally and try to bury it or move on with their lives.

“But nothing stays buried forever,” McKay said.

Introduction | Kate's story | Jessica's story | Amanda's story | Jane's story | Closing