Tuesday, August 24, 2010
It’s the beginning of a new semester. This is a time when slates are clean, starts are fresh, and hope springs eternal. Naturally, one thing comes to mind: quitting.
Maybe it’s the weather, or maybe it’s the equally stifling economic climate. Whatever the reason, quitting has been rather in vogue as of late. In recent weeks, two high-profile quitters have given voice to a generation with their showmanship, creativity and absolute unwillingness to take it anymore.
Steven Slater, a veteran flight attendant for JetBlue, became something of a folk hero when a rude passenger pushed him over the edge. He gave a brief, dramatic speech over the intercom, grabbed two beers, activated the inflatable evacuation chute, and slid out of the plane in style.
Days later, a woman named Jenny took the Internet by storm when she quit her job as a broker’s assistant via dry erase board, exposing her boss as a creep and a Farmville addict in the process. Though it turned out to be a hoax, the speed with which her tale spread across the Web is a testament to America’s insatiable thirst for compelling resignations.
For people fed up with their awful jobs, the stakes have been raised. It’s no longer enough to merely burn bridges; now you have to drop napalm on them. How else will you become Internet famous?
Luckily, I’m here to help. In addition to being the divinely chosen savior of print journalism, I am also a prominent quitting consultant. I can help you parlay your workplace meltdown into fame, fortune and maybe even a new job!
So here are a few tips:
• If you’re a disgruntled zookeeper, you can make an exit of Biblical proportions. First, grow a long beard. Then, pair off all the zoo animals and march them onto a giant wooden ark. When all of the animals are secure, flood the zoo! Your boss’s jaw will drop when you stand on the bow of your ark and bellow: “I’m giving my 40 days’ notice!”
• Most cooks who quit dramatically go the obvious route — food poisoning. To avoid prosecution, you need to be creative. If you work, for example, at a Mexican restaurant, try making nothing but Scottish food for an entire shift. Customers expecting burritos and enchiladas will surely start a riot when confronted with a plate of haggis and rumbledethumps, and you’ll be out the door and on your way to the Food Network.
• The advent of satellite imaging has opened the door for quitting on a tremendously large scale. Let’s say you’re a lumberjack looking for a way out. All you have to do is strategically chop down vast amounts of trees. Then, send management a link to Google Maps. Your boss will see “I QUIT” carved indelibly into the woodlands of the Pacific Northwest. Everybody will get the message — even the International Space Station.
• Are you two-and-a-half years into your first term as the governor of a sparsely populated state but find it to be a tad above your intelligence level? No worries. Just resign, give a nonsensical press conference and spend the next year topping yourself with increasingly moronic babble. The worse the syntax, the better! You will quickly become insanely wealthy and have a higher profile than ever before. But beware: the Constitution is under constant attack. Good luck.
— Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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